I woke up this morning, way too early for a Sunday of course, and took the pup out. As I stepped out on the porch, in Kansas, I had a feeling of being at the beach. The wind is crazy out there today. The air has a touch of warmth to it, but a damp warmth. It must have rained sometime in the night so everything was soggy. The air smelled of moisture and earth. It was somewhat nostalgic to say the least. That's one thing I noticed when I lived at the beach. The completely different nature of the environment compared to what I knew growing up in the mountains. And being in Kansas, having that feeling was completely out of place.
As I walked the dog, I could hear the wind blow through the trees. The huge pine tree down past the house has a distinct sound when the wind blows through it. Almost mechanical. A whirr of tiny parts that toss in the wind as it passes through the branches.
This is my quiet time. I love going outside and noticing things that one doesn't normally stop to look at or listen to in the busy, daily grind of life.
It's like the worn out fuzzy slippers I wear (inside and out). They're so old and falling apart. But I can't bring myself to get rid of them. It's a comfort of something of I've had for so long. Even though they smell like a thousand feet of a high school locker room no matter how many times I wash them, they are still my comfort.
I'm grateful that I have the ability to stop and notice things, no matter how pleasant or smelly in some cases.
I feel more aware of my surroundings and more in tune with my life. Because that's what life is...it's what you're surrounded by. Connecting to what is around you, the earth, the air, your home, your family, is what makes you who you are and brings an enlightened existence.
I'm not sure why I'm so philosophical or whatever you want to call it today. It could be switching my coffee to half caff. Or maybe it's because it's Sunday. I don't know. But it feels pretty good.
I'm going to sit here before the rest of the family wakes up, and drink my half caff coffee, listening to the deafening sound of my husband's computer about to blow up and the dog chewing on a bone she found, and think about where I am today. Maybe today is a good day to go out on a photography adventure since I seem to be in tune with the world around me.
Have a good one ya'll! Stop and look at your world today. ;)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Commissary Coupon Musings
I feel hyper. I have an unnatural high all related to couponing and the commissary.
I went to the commissary (for you civilians...grocery store) today by myself. It was a rather enjoyable experience even though I sat in the parking lot for a moment dreading the hassle. I only had a partial list of what we needed which could be a disaster because a) I would buy more than I really needed to and blow the budget or b) I wouldn't get everything I needed. And of course when I got home, I already have 3 items on the list for the next trip before I even got the bags put away.
So, I have noticed before that if you don't shop on payday or near payday (by a few days) more things are on sale. Which is what happened today. Not to mention I had some awesome coupons this trip (Thanks MOM!). And of course this was the shopping period that we were out of all the non-food essentials, such as shampoo, toothpaste, body wash, toilet paper, paper towels, etc.
We had a certain amount budgetted for groceries (as always) so this was my only stressor. But I took my time going through the aisles and picking sale items and items I had coupons for that were financially worth it. My buggy was heavy as I pushed up to the checkout line and I began to worry I'd blown the budget. My hubby can look at a buggy and get down to a few dollars the amount of how much it's going to come to. I dunno how he does it...but it freaks me out just a little bit.
Now, as you military spouses know, commissaries have large lines. No matter what time of the month it may be. And today, it was no different. I'm standing in line going through every single coupon I had to make sure I didn't miss anything. And as I'm doing that, I catch myself checking out buggies surrounding me and the contents that other people were buying. Gasp...I'm one of those people!! And I kept catching myself going through my coupons looking for a savings for other people's carts. REALLY!!! I spotted a couple single soldiers with a buggy half full of frozen items and convenience foods. I know they had to be single because a) two soldiers shopping together with one cart b) aforementioned frozen items and convenience foods and c) no rings on their fingers (yes I notice those things on occasion...not often though). So, as I'm standing there I was a bit distraught because I had coupons for a good half of the things in their buggy that I wasn't using this trip. So the moral delimma began. Do I offer them the unused coupons from my trusty plastic coupon binder? Or do I just let the guys keep some dignity that they don't have to use coupons. I didn't give them the coupons. Although I gladly would have. I probably could have saved them at least $5. Just sayin'.
So, by the time all was said and done, I went over budget by $21...but by the time the coupons came off, I was only $6 over budget which I could justify from the amount of gas that I had budgeted for my vehicle this payday.
SWEET! I felt sooooo accomplished! I have a high from saving money!
The best deals I got was the Old Spice body wash I got hubby for $0.32. I got Pantene conditioner for free. Secret deodorant for just over $0.20. I hadn't even planned on getting some of those things until a trip to Walmart. But after seeing them on sale...AND having coupons...there's no better way to stock up...and stay under budget.
All in all, I feel good tonight. It's a fend-for-yourself supper night. So, I'm having Roasted Garlic & Black Bean Tostitos Artisan chips...just cause they're that amazing.
My one splurge on a non-diet item. ;)
Have a good one ya'll. Keep on couponing!
I went to the commissary (for you civilians...grocery store) today by myself. It was a rather enjoyable experience even though I sat in the parking lot for a moment dreading the hassle. I only had a partial list of what we needed which could be a disaster because a) I would buy more than I really needed to and blow the budget or b) I wouldn't get everything I needed. And of course when I got home, I already have 3 items on the list for the next trip before I even got the bags put away.
So, I have noticed before that if you don't shop on payday or near payday (by a few days) more things are on sale. Which is what happened today. Not to mention I had some awesome coupons this trip (Thanks MOM!). And of course this was the shopping period that we were out of all the non-food essentials, such as shampoo, toothpaste, body wash, toilet paper, paper towels, etc.
We had a certain amount budgetted for groceries (as always) so this was my only stressor. But I took my time going through the aisles and picking sale items and items I had coupons for that were financially worth it. My buggy was heavy as I pushed up to the checkout line and I began to worry I'd blown the budget. My hubby can look at a buggy and get down to a few dollars the amount of how much it's going to come to. I dunno how he does it...but it freaks me out just a little bit.
Now, as you military spouses know, commissaries have large lines. No matter what time of the month it may be. And today, it was no different. I'm standing in line going through every single coupon I had to make sure I didn't miss anything. And as I'm doing that, I catch myself checking out buggies surrounding me and the contents that other people were buying. Gasp...I'm one of those people!! And I kept catching myself going through my coupons looking for a savings for other people's carts. REALLY!!! I spotted a couple single soldiers with a buggy half full of frozen items and convenience foods. I know they had to be single because a) two soldiers shopping together with one cart b) aforementioned frozen items and convenience foods and c) no rings on their fingers (yes I notice those things on occasion...not often though). So, as I'm standing there I was a bit distraught because I had coupons for a good half of the things in their buggy that I wasn't using this trip. So the moral delimma began. Do I offer them the unused coupons from my trusty plastic coupon binder? Or do I just let the guys keep some dignity that they don't have to use coupons. I didn't give them the coupons. Although I gladly would have. I probably could have saved them at least $5. Just sayin'.
So, by the time all was said and done, I went over budget by $21...but by the time the coupons came off, I was only $6 over budget which I could justify from the amount of gas that I had budgeted for my vehicle this payday.
SWEET! I felt sooooo accomplished! I have a high from saving money!
The best deals I got was the Old Spice body wash I got hubby for $0.32. I got Pantene conditioner for free. Secret deodorant for just over $0.20. I hadn't even planned on getting some of those things until a trip to Walmart. But after seeing them on sale...AND having coupons...there's no better way to stock up...and stay under budget.
All in all, I feel good tonight. It's a fend-for-yourself supper night. So, I'm having Roasted Garlic & Black Bean Tostitos Artisan chips...just cause they're that amazing.
My one splurge on a non-diet item. ;)
Have a good one ya'll. Keep on couponing!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
One stack or two?
I haven't blogged in a long time. Lots been going on here. Some good stuff. Some not so great. I miss the days that I have some random story that I can write about and be creative through the words on the screen. But, alas, my muse has gone mute.
Although, today, I had a weird conversation at work. How I get sidetracked onto completely random topics is beyond me. But, I was talking about pancakes. Pancakes are my thing ya'll. And as you all know, I travel on occasion. Well....
When I was in my early 20's, we were travelling from Washington state to Virginia. Along this road trip, I had decided, and I have no idea WHY I decided this, to have pancakes in every state we stopped in. You know stopping at truck stops across the country is one amazing feat all in itself. The food in these places are usually awesome anyway. I mean think about it. They're feeding these truck drivers and travellers who have most likely travelled for hours on end and still have plenty more travelling to do. So, the food is always pretty darn good. Occasionally you gotta watch out for the greasy spoon dives. But for the most part, truck stop eating is good stuff.
Anyway...as we drove along, I sampled pancakes in every state we stopped in. Asking for recipes when they were mouth watering fluffy goodness. (my fave was at a small place in Wyoming) And over the years, I've come to perfect it.
My children have grown up with pancake Sundays. And if they have a sleepover, it is a requirement that I make pancakes. Special occasions would spur even better over the top scrumptiousness with powdered sugar, fresh fruit, chocolate chips, whipped cream, or anything else we could concoct in our minds would be delectible.
I remember one sleepover my daughter had. She was pretty young at the time as were the sleepover friends. And as per customary requirements, the plan was pancake Sunday after the sleepover. Late that night, one of the girls was afraid and called her mom to come get her. Once her mom was there, she asked if she could come back for pancakes in the morning. HA It was a no-go with the mom. From what I can recall, I think she toughed out the rest of the night at our house just to have pancakes the next day.
I don't share my pancake secrets or recipe with people outside the family. Except that you NEVER EVER ever smash the pancake down with the spatula. EVER!
And as my kids are older now, I'll gladly pass on the family tradition to them.
But for now, I'm gonna keep my griddle hot and my spatula handy (yes I have special pancake utentils and cookware I use).
Because Sunday is just around the corner and it'll be pancake time again.
Oh...and just out of curiosity...how many pancakes does it take to actually make a "stack"?
Although, today, I had a weird conversation at work. How I get sidetracked onto completely random topics is beyond me. But, I was talking about pancakes. Pancakes are my thing ya'll. And as you all know, I travel on occasion. Well....
When I was in my early 20's, we were travelling from Washington state to Virginia. Along this road trip, I had decided, and I have no idea WHY I decided this, to have pancakes in every state we stopped in. You know stopping at truck stops across the country is one amazing feat all in itself. The food in these places are usually awesome anyway. I mean think about it. They're feeding these truck drivers and travellers who have most likely travelled for hours on end and still have plenty more travelling to do. So, the food is always pretty darn good. Occasionally you gotta watch out for the greasy spoon dives. But for the most part, truck stop eating is good stuff.
Anyway...as we drove along, I sampled pancakes in every state we stopped in. Asking for recipes when they were mouth watering fluffy goodness. (my fave was at a small place in Wyoming) And over the years, I've come to perfect it.
My children have grown up with pancake Sundays. And if they have a sleepover, it is a requirement that I make pancakes. Special occasions would spur even better over the top scrumptiousness with powdered sugar, fresh fruit, chocolate chips, whipped cream, or anything else we could concoct in our minds would be delectible.
I remember one sleepover my daughter had. She was pretty young at the time as were the sleepover friends. And as per customary requirements, the plan was pancake Sunday after the sleepover. Late that night, one of the girls was afraid and called her mom to come get her. Once her mom was there, she asked if she could come back for pancakes in the morning. HA It was a no-go with the mom. From what I can recall, I think she toughed out the rest of the night at our house just to have pancakes the next day.
I don't share my pancake secrets or recipe with people outside the family. Except that you NEVER EVER ever smash the pancake down with the spatula. EVER!
And as my kids are older now, I'll gladly pass on the family tradition to them.
But for now, I'm gonna keep my griddle hot and my spatula handy (yes I have special pancake utentils and cookware I use).
Because Sunday is just around the corner and it'll be pancake time again.
Oh...and just out of curiosity...how many pancakes does it take to actually make a "stack"?
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I Know I'm Alive!!
Some days I wonder why do I feel so.....old. It's hard to start moving first thing in the morning. By the time I get out of the shower my legs already hurt. While drying my hair, I spend a good 5 minutes blow drying my legs just for the heat. It is comforting. By the end of the day, my legs have stabbing pains, spasms, tightness and constant ache. Not to mention the arthritis in my knees and the torn muscle in my lower back or the tension in my shoulders and neck.
Seriously...I'm not even 40 yet. But I have depression, peripheral vascular disease (PVD) with intermittent claudication, arthritis, and of course good ole allergies. All of which I take medication for.
I try to remember days when I didn't hurt. It seems so long ago now. Years actually. I can't remember when or what it felt like. I see kids/people jumping around or running. I remember that. I used to feel weightless and could do anything. Now I feel like gravity has a strong magnetic pull on me and my body weighs a ton. It's so hard to move some days.
The depression I've been diagnosed with is usually situational or seasonal. I do have anxiety occasionally and have some OCD tendencies. I am on medication for this which has helped alot. I am not emotionally hypersensitive like I usually am, although some times I do feel disconnected from any emotion at all.
The arthritis I suffer from is osteoarthritis. It's basically wear and tear on my joints due to usage/over-usage. In my case, I used to be fairly active. Especially as a Kempo Kickboxer. I have the grinding knees that barely bend on cold days and I do have some arthrtitis in other joints that ache as well. Stupid weather predictors.
The allergies I blame on Kansas. It's the grass here. I'm just not used to. I stay congested all the time. Hopefully when we leave here, it will clear up.
Peripheral Vascular Disease (PVD)....this is basically bad circulation. It sounds bad I know. It's when the veins (peripheral meaning outside the heart) constrict or have hardened and not enough blood can reach the muscles which results in a lack of oxygen. This causes Intermittent Claudication. That's the pain I experience. I have the claudication from the waist down. especially from my inner thighs just above the knees to my ankles. I am in constant pain. The more I move, the more pain I experience because the blood is trying to get through to the muscles, but it can't. Resting is the only time the pain eases up a little. Then my legs just feel tight and they twitch and I feel like I need to stretch them alot.
So tell me...how does a 39 year old suffer from all these ailments?? I sound like I should be 69 years old instead.
I think the fact that I do feel so old is because I've lived my life like a wild person!! HAHA Actually I think maybe I just didn't take as good care of myself as I should have. That's what it basically boils down to. In hindsight, I don't know if I really would have changed my life. Maybe cut back on the fast food and the grease and possibly not smoked all those years I did. But there's no looking back now. I can only deal with what I've got now. And that's a worn out body that wants to be young again.
I've got these little tricks I do when I'm editting portraits I take where I can remove wrinkles. I've done it enough that when I look at myself in the mirror, in my mind I am visually running a mouse over the wrinkles on my face and erasing them. If only we really could do this!!! That would be awesome!
I also would use the "thinify" option as well with some creative cropping. Of coruse to do all this in real life requires work that causes me pain. sigh.
One day...I'm gonna feel better...physically and emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I promise myself that!!! Not sure how I'm gonna accomplish this, but I'm gonna figure it out!! At least with all this pain, I know I'm alive!!!
Seriously...I'm not even 40 yet. But I have depression, peripheral vascular disease (PVD) with intermittent claudication, arthritis, and of course good ole allergies. All of which I take medication for.
I try to remember days when I didn't hurt. It seems so long ago now. Years actually. I can't remember when or what it felt like. I see kids/people jumping around or running. I remember that. I used to feel weightless and could do anything. Now I feel like gravity has a strong magnetic pull on me and my body weighs a ton. It's so hard to move some days.
The depression I've been diagnosed with is usually situational or seasonal. I do have anxiety occasionally and have some OCD tendencies. I am on medication for this which has helped alot. I am not emotionally hypersensitive like I usually am, although some times I do feel disconnected from any emotion at all.
The arthritis I suffer from is osteoarthritis. It's basically wear and tear on my joints due to usage/over-usage. In my case, I used to be fairly active. Especially as a Kempo Kickboxer. I have the grinding knees that barely bend on cold days and I do have some arthrtitis in other joints that ache as well. Stupid weather predictors.
The allergies I blame on Kansas. It's the grass here. I'm just not used to. I stay congested all the time. Hopefully when we leave here, it will clear up.
Peripheral Vascular Disease (PVD)....this is basically bad circulation. It sounds bad I know. It's when the veins (peripheral meaning outside the heart) constrict or have hardened and not enough blood can reach the muscles which results in a lack of oxygen. This causes Intermittent Claudication. That's the pain I experience. I have the claudication from the waist down. especially from my inner thighs just above the knees to my ankles. I am in constant pain. The more I move, the more pain I experience because the blood is trying to get through to the muscles, but it can't. Resting is the only time the pain eases up a little. Then my legs just feel tight and they twitch and I feel like I need to stretch them alot.
So tell me...how does a 39 year old suffer from all these ailments?? I sound like I should be 69 years old instead.
I think the fact that I do feel so old is because I've lived my life like a wild person!! HAHA Actually I think maybe I just didn't take as good care of myself as I should have. That's what it basically boils down to. In hindsight, I don't know if I really would have changed my life. Maybe cut back on the fast food and the grease and possibly not smoked all those years I did. But there's no looking back now. I can only deal with what I've got now. And that's a worn out body that wants to be young again.
I've got these little tricks I do when I'm editting portraits I take where I can remove wrinkles. I've done it enough that when I look at myself in the mirror, in my mind I am visually running a mouse over the wrinkles on my face and erasing them. If only we really could do this!!! That would be awesome!
I also would use the "thinify" option as well with some creative cropping. Of coruse to do all this in real life requires work that causes me pain. sigh.
One day...I'm gonna feel better...physically and emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I promise myself that!!! Not sure how I'm gonna accomplish this, but I'm gonna figure it out!! At least with all this pain, I know I'm alive!!!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Little Perspective
Here is sit at the end of 2011 and thinking back at what kind of year we've had. Good times, bad times. Happiness, loss. And definitely lots of changes. Makes you wonder what 2012 has in store. I'm definitely thankful I had my husband home the entire year. And dealing with the PTSD, although its a life changing illness, at least we learned alot about it and how to approach it better. Granted there are still some days that I find to be bad ones, or he finds to be bad ones. It's all something we're learning to deal with.
Knowing that he's going through the med board process and this time next year, we will be back near family and hopefully in a good place, is enough to keep us going. It's scary the thought of getting out of the military. Which, I'm sure, some people think it's scary being IN the military. But it's what he's always known and it's been my constant throughout the past several years. Even if that constant is a constant life of changes and living at someone else's command. But it's a security like most civilians don't understand. The security of having a job and a paycheck. The security of having a home, even if we have to change that often as well. We may not be financially rich most paydays, but we make it work. And we know if we can't make it, there is help out there for us to get through. There's a security of knowing that every one of your neighbors and friends are just like you. They all know the trials and challenges that we each face. Which brings a connection to the community. We may not know our neighbor across the street, but you know if they needed help, you will be right there to give it to them, just as they would for you. It's an unspoken connection of "hey, I've been there and I know what you're going through". It's scary to think that the outside civilian world doesn't have that. Being near family though will step in and take over that connection. That's the best thing I can hope for.
I'm also hoping that in 2012 my photography will move to another level. I look forward to getting that diploma saying I'm certified and I can rock that camera knowing that people who put down others and say things about an over-populated career field will see there is one more person who takes it just as serious and has a totally different perspective on it. I think everyone has a touch of photographer in them. Everyone has a bit of creativity inside that they just need to have the confidence to let it shine. I hope I can help others to see that in the new year.
I'm thankful for so many friends and for my family. Friends all over the world.
I'm thankful for the opportunities the military has given us.
I'm thankful for the opportunities our kids have been given living this life.
And to take these opportunities and experiences back to a civilian life is amazing! I look forward to it!
Have a wonderful new year my friends. And may your possibilities be endless and you make mistakes along the way and learn from them and make your dreams come true. Enjoy the life you've been given. And if you don't enjoy it, change it. The new year is in your hands. Just as mine is in my hands.
Knowing that he's going through the med board process and this time next year, we will be back near family and hopefully in a good place, is enough to keep us going. It's scary the thought of getting out of the military. Which, I'm sure, some people think it's scary being IN the military. But it's what he's always known and it's been my constant throughout the past several years. Even if that constant is a constant life of changes and living at someone else's command. But it's a security like most civilians don't understand. The security of having a job and a paycheck. The security of having a home, even if we have to change that often as well. We may not be financially rich most paydays, but we make it work. And we know if we can't make it, there is help out there for us to get through. There's a security of knowing that every one of your neighbors and friends are just like you. They all know the trials and challenges that we each face. Which brings a connection to the community. We may not know our neighbor across the street, but you know if they needed help, you will be right there to give it to them, just as they would for you. It's an unspoken connection of "hey, I've been there and I know what you're going through". It's scary to think that the outside civilian world doesn't have that. Being near family though will step in and take over that connection. That's the best thing I can hope for.
I'm also hoping that in 2012 my photography will move to another level. I look forward to getting that diploma saying I'm certified and I can rock that camera knowing that people who put down others and say things about an over-populated career field will see there is one more person who takes it just as serious and has a totally different perspective on it. I think everyone has a touch of photographer in them. Everyone has a bit of creativity inside that they just need to have the confidence to let it shine. I hope I can help others to see that in the new year.
I'm thankful for so many friends and for my family. Friends all over the world.
I'm thankful for the opportunities the military has given us.
I'm thankful for the opportunities our kids have been given living this life.
And to take these opportunities and experiences back to a civilian life is amazing! I look forward to it!
Have a wonderful new year my friends. And may your possibilities be endless and you make mistakes along the way and learn from them and make your dreams come true. Enjoy the life you've been given. And if you don't enjoy it, change it. The new year is in your hands. Just as mine is in my hands.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
On my soapbox...How unprofessional of you!!!
I gotta say something that has really rubbed me the wrong way...yet again.
It really annoys me when you are a "professional" in your field but find it necessary to bad mouth amateurs who, from what I've been told, are doing the exact same thing you did to get started. I find it very unprofessional and very unbecoming. I can understand it takes alot of work to get to the point that you are at. I'm sure you have put in the sweat and tears to get there. But it's very hypocritical when you were that same person years ago. Why would you bad-mouth someone who is trying? Do you feel threatened? Do you feel like you need to keep the upperhand on the market? Believe me, honey, you're not going to lose any clients because of someone else trying and making mistakes. Your work is amazing. Why would you feel the need to talk trash about someone else? If you were to lose clients, it would be because of your unprofessionalism by talking trash about others who do have the guts to go out and make an effort in their life.
I just find the whole situation in very poor taste. And I find it offensive to ALL amateurs. I AM an amateur who IS attending school and learning how to use my equipment the correct way. Granted, not everyone does that. NOT EVERYONE goes to school for this field...now do they? But if someone is learning and making themselves better, to have a "professional" like you put them down, especially when so many people look up to you, just goes to show that other people's dreams and hopes are of no concern to you. I have questioned my own abilities before, but seeing crap like what you say makes me want to try even harder just to prove you wrong. I'm so glad those comments weren't about me. But needless to say, It still infuriates me.
Think about where you started with your career. Try to put yourself in their position.
It really annoys me when you are a "professional" in your field but find it necessary to bad mouth amateurs who, from what I've been told, are doing the exact same thing you did to get started. I find it very unprofessional and very unbecoming. I can understand it takes alot of work to get to the point that you are at. I'm sure you have put in the sweat and tears to get there. But it's very hypocritical when you were that same person years ago. Why would you bad-mouth someone who is trying? Do you feel threatened? Do you feel like you need to keep the upperhand on the market? Believe me, honey, you're not going to lose any clients because of someone else trying and making mistakes. Your work is amazing. Why would you feel the need to talk trash about someone else? If you were to lose clients, it would be because of your unprofessionalism by talking trash about others who do have the guts to go out and make an effort in their life.
I just find the whole situation in very poor taste. And I find it offensive to ALL amateurs. I AM an amateur who IS attending school and learning how to use my equipment the correct way. Granted, not everyone does that. NOT EVERYONE goes to school for this field...now do they? But if someone is learning and making themselves better, to have a "professional" like you put them down, especially when so many people look up to you, just goes to show that other people's dreams and hopes are of no concern to you. I have questioned my own abilities before, but seeing crap like what you say makes me want to try even harder just to prove you wrong. I'm so glad those comments weren't about me. But needless to say, It still infuriates me.
Think about where you started with your career. Try to put yourself in their position.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Stop and Listen
I woke up this morning with an update from my cousin about how my grandmother was doing. She's been sick for a very long time now. And the past few days have been really bad. Her organs have begun to shut down and the doctors say its a matter of time at this point.
What bothers me most is that I'm not there to help my family right now. We're a tight knit clan who have always been there for each other. We're southern and traditional. Family is our top priority and especially our elders. You respect your elders. They are the ones who deserve the respect in the family most.
Last time I saw my grandmother was a year ago. And, I'd like to think she knew who I was then. She did smile alot while I was there. At least that's the memory I'll keep with me forever. That she did know it was me and that I was once again that little girl that stayed with her when there was no school and she'd make dolls for us out of scrap material she kept in an old suitcase under the bed.
We say the hardest thing about being a military family is leaving people you love behind. Another aspect of that is not being there when you want to be or need to be.
I walked outside this morning to take the dog out. It's a cold dreary day with wintry cold winds. The air feels cold and crisp. I noticed on summer days I can hear the traffic across the way, but today it was so cold I couldn't even hear the cars when I could see them go by. It's as if the sound was frozen somewhere between there and here. It was completely silent, almost like a movie with the sound turned off, only hearing a random leaf blowing down the street. But, all the while, in my mind, I was thinking of the sounds that my family are hearing taking care of my grandmother. Being up all night with her and taking her to the hospital this morning. It's like being an outsider looking in and not really being part of the story. So many times, we go through our day and miss so much because we're listening to just what we want to hear or what we need to hear. I'd like to think that stopping and listening to the peaceful quiet of the morning, that I can hope my grandmother is hearing a peace through all her battles. I know God is watching over her and my family right now. And that gives me comfort. If anything, maybe the quiet is to help me since I'm not there. Even though if feels very alone.
But still, I miss the comfort of family. This is so hard.
What bothers me most is that I'm not there to help my family right now. We're a tight knit clan who have always been there for each other. We're southern and traditional. Family is our top priority and especially our elders. You respect your elders. They are the ones who deserve the respect in the family most.
Last time I saw my grandmother was a year ago. And, I'd like to think she knew who I was then. She did smile alot while I was there. At least that's the memory I'll keep with me forever. That she did know it was me and that I was once again that little girl that stayed with her when there was no school and she'd make dolls for us out of scrap material she kept in an old suitcase under the bed.
We say the hardest thing about being a military family is leaving people you love behind. Another aspect of that is not being there when you want to be or need to be.
I walked outside this morning to take the dog out. It's a cold dreary day with wintry cold winds. The air feels cold and crisp. I noticed on summer days I can hear the traffic across the way, but today it was so cold I couldn't even hear the cars when I could see them go by. It's as if the sound was frozen somewhere between there and here. It was completely silent, almost like a movie with the sound turned off, only hearing a random leaf blowing down the street. But, all the while, in my mind, I was thinking of the sounds that my family are hearing taking care of my grandmother. Being up all night with her and taking her to the hospital this morning. It's like being an outsider looking in and not really being part of the story. So many times, we go through our day and miss so much because we're listening to just what we want to hear or what we need to hear. I'd like to think that stopping and listening to the peaceful quiet of the morning, that I can hope my grandmother is hearing a peace through all her battles. I know God is watching over her and my family right now. And that gives me comfort. If anything, maybe the quiet is to help me since I'm not there. Even though if feels very alone.
But still, I miss the comfort of family. This is so hard.
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