Oh sheesh...where should I start?? I'm so far behind on my blogging.
Uhh...fast recap.... We have moved away from Kansas. We're in Tennessee. We still have no home. We are hanging in there, living with family and friends helping us out.
I'm still looking for a job. Hubby is officially retired from the military now. And we're still waiting on retirement and/or VA benefits to kick in.
We're still in Transition.
Before we left Kansas, I entered my biography to a group to attend a retreat for spouses/caregivers for wounded warriors. I was chosen to go!! So, this past weekend, I went to Nashville for four days. Everyone assumed I would be pampered and get to sleep all day and do all these wonderful things. And, I did. But not like they had imagined. We were pampered! That's for sure! We were given love and understanding...unconditionally. We were given wonderful things! We were taught how to see life situations in a more healthy way. We were given tools to help us live our life to the best of our ability. The only thing we were lacking this weekend was sleep. HAHAHA And that was by our own choice I think.
I could go through and tell you each and every detail of all the things we did this past weekend. But, I'm not. We had amazing dinners, we worked with horses, we met wonderful people, we went to the Grand Ole Opry.
All of these things are all amazing! But the purpose of the weekend and the most important thing was what we got out of it.
Here's what I got out of the weekend....
I was given a chance to release everything toxic inside my soul.
I was given a shoulder to cry on.
I was reminded that I have a voice.
I learned how to use my voice again.
I learned that I can control myself, but not those around me or my environment.
It's all about how I respond to my environment.
It is okay for me to do things for myself. It's actually encouraged and required.
The biggest epiphany I had all weekend:
The past five years that I believed I had little to no power because I was married. I wasn't a powerful single mother anymore. I always believed that my power had been taken away. When in all actuality, it wasn't taken away. I GAVE IT AWAY!! I gave it away without even knowing it. And it's never been kept from me. It has been offered back to me on more occasions than I even know. All I have to do is know it's there and feel the power that I DO HAVE!
Can you imagine how amazing that felt for me?? I have regained what I thought I had lost. Well, not regained so much as reaffirmed what has been there the whole time that I psychologically had myself convinced was not.
I went into the weekend thinking there would be this amazing opening of the Heavens with angels singing down on me. This of course did not happen. I had several "ah-ha" moments and realizations about things. And I know this is a process.
Just like we were taught this weekend... The goal to life is the process.
amen to that!!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Expectations?
When going through the medboard process, how do you know what expectations to have? I feel like we've prematurely expected everything to be done by now. We've packed our home. We've painted. We've cleaned. We've done our housing pre-inspection. I've withdrawn my daughter from school. The people who know things first told us a couple of weeks until we would have orders in hand. Now, we're hearing 2 to 3 months. I don't even know how to process this at the moment. I'm having so many different emotions. Do I leave my husband here to wait out the final processing? Do I stay, which would involve re-enrolling my daughter in school here? If I leave, how would we afford for me to come back to help with the move? How are we going to afford for me to even leave right now in order to get home and find a place to live and get her enrolled in school there? How am I going to even get a place to live there with no extra money and BAH still going towards the house here which has our entire life packed in boxes?
I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm confused. Could this have been prevented if we had just sat back and waited until the last minute when we had orders in hand to start the clearing process? Should we have kept on living day to day like we would always be here? I don't even know about any of it right now.
I can't talk about it with my husband because I'm still processing emotions. And as we know, he doesn't do emotions. I've cried out of frustration already this morning and walked away so he wouldn't see. Crying being one of his triggers, I couldn't chance that the situation would become worse because I can't keep my emotions in anymore.
I know with the military you don't expect anything when they say it's supposed to happen. And true to past experiences, I've learned once again that they have us no matter what. It all comes down to slow processing time and being overwhelmed with paperwork, on our part and the military's.
What do I do now? I feel myself spiralling into a place in my mind that I don't deal with any of it. Pretend it's not happening. Hmm...that's denial. But I know we have to figure this out. I just can't do it at the moment. I can't process the emotions to get to processing actions. I just want to sit and cry and do nothing. Why can't things go the way you expect them to? Why?
I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm confused. Could this have been prevented if we had just sat back and waited until the last minute when we had orders in hand to start the clearing process? Should we have kept on living day to day like we would always be here? I don't even know about any of it right now.
I can't talk about it with my husband because I'm still processing emotions. And as we know, he doesn't do emotions. I've cried out of frustration already this morning and walked away so he wouldn't see. Crying being one of his triggers, I couldn't chance that the situation would become worse because I can't keep my emotions in anymore.
I know with the military you don't expect anything when they say it's supposed to happen. And true to past experiences, I've learned once again that they have us no matter what. It all comes down to slow processing time and being overwhelmed with paperwork, on our part and the military's.
What do I do now? I feel myself spiralling into a place in my mind that I don't deal with any of it. Pretend it's not happening. Hmm...that's denial. But I know we have to figure this out. I just can't do it at the moment. I can't process the emotions to get to processing actions. I just want to sit and cry and do nothing. Why can't things go the way you expect them to? Why?
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The next chapter....
It's the beginning of the end of this chapter for our family. My husband's medboard process has moved along. He received his percentages from the VA and the Army. We are very pleased with the outcome. They will be medically retiring him as well. Which is amazingly wonderful! The bonus to that is the kids and I will keep full benefits! I'm beyond relieved!!!
So, now begins the bittersweet changes that we were anticipating for so long. We have a short amount of time to get packed and moved. Although, his final orders are not in hand yet, we know they will be within the next week or so. Then after that, it's a matter of days to leaving Kansas.
I have begun making my "lists". I am a list person. I sometimes just need to see everything laid out just to squash any overwhelming feelings of procrastination. It never looks that bad when it's laid out in writing.
But here I am again, procrastinating. I'm lacking motivation to begin. I'm not sure if it's because chaos is not one of my strong points. I don't handle it well. And having my world in boxes sitting around in hallways, etc is utter chaos. I need organization and cleanliness. The thought stresses me out. Even with the list, I couldn't go that far as to make the "packing" list that I need. I have everything else leading up to that part.
And the thought of living out of boxes for the next...who knows how many months until we find a home. SHUDDER!!! I'm afflicted with anxiety and stress.
I know it needs to get done. So, I'm going to just buckle down and do it. Only thing I can do.
I'm going to start with one room. Which will be the office. I can pack away most of everything in there (sans photography gear) and the boxes won't necessarily be in direct sight. I can do this. I have to do this!!!
In the meantime, I've been trying to get in as much time with friends here as I possibly can. I'm going to miss them all terribly.
They've become my family. The definition of Army Family has a very strong meaning. They fill in for blood relations when you don't have any around. And it's just the same as leaving home. I'm leaving part of my family again. Definitely sad. But we have so many memories to keep with us. And we have friendship that will carry us through the rest of our years. Change and moving is inevitable in the military. But this time it just seems so final. Probably because it is.
So, if my girls are reading this....I love you all and I will miss you more than I can say.
But to stay positive...it's on to the next chapter of possibilities. :)
So, now begins the bittersweet changes that we were anticipating for so long. We have a short amount of time to get packed and moved. Although, his final orders are not in hand yet, we know they will be within the next week or so. Then after that, it's a matter of days to leaving Kansas.
I have begun making my "lists". I am a list person. I sometimes just need to see everything laid out just to squash any overwhelming feelings of procrastination. It never looks that bad when it's laid out in writing.
But here I am again, procrastinating. I'm lacking motivation to begin. I'm not sure if it's because chaos is not one of my strong points. I don't handle it well. And having my world in boxes sitting around in hallways, etc is utter chaos. I need organization and cleanliness. The thought stresses me out. Even with the list, I couldn't go that far as to make the "packing" list that I need. I have everything else leading up to that part.
And the thought of living out of boxes for the next...who knows how many months until we find a home. SHUDDER!!! I'm afflicted with anxiety and stress.
I know it needs to get done. So, I'm going to just buckle down and do it. Only thing I can do.
I'm going to start with one room. Which will be the office. I can pack away most of everything in there (sans photography gear) and the boxes won't necessarily be in direct sight. I can do this. I have to do this!!!
In the meantime, I've been trying to get in as much time with friends here as I possibly can. I'm going to miss them all terribly.
They've become my family. The definition of Army Family has a very strong meaning. They fill in for blood relations when you don't have any around. And it's just the same as leaving home. I'm leaving part of my family again. Definitely sad. But we have so many memories to keep with us. And we have friendship that will carry us through the rest of our years. Change and moving is inevitable in the military. But this time it just seems so final. Probably because it is.
So, if my girls are reading this....I love you all and I will miss you more than I can say.
But to stay positive...it's on to the next chapter of possibilities. :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
It's scary out there!
I've been thinking lately. (I know that's nothing unusual and yet scary all at the same time.)
I'm officially unemployed again. The school year has ended, summer vacation has started. And so begins the countdown to moving away from Kansas back home near our family.
There's alot of things that I'm going to miss about the military life. Weird, strange things that we take for granted. The civilian world is a super scary place. So, here's my list of pros and cons about things I'm going to miss when we're out of the military.
CONS to leaving the military
1) Military ID: As horrible and disgusting as my picture is on that thing, it's been on my person for the past five years. I don't go anywhere without it and I have to use it for pretty much everything on post. It's kinda like a badge. A badge of honor...yeah...I'm an Army Wife. what now??
2) Military neighbors/friends: The civilian world has nothing on the military community. We all are in the same situation. We've been there, we are there, or we're going there. Gives a new meaning to "Been There Done That Got the Shirt". Everyone is here for the same reason and we all have a common life. In the civilian world...there's all the different mixes that just make for a disconnected mess. We have a camaradarie and link to each other in one way or another.
3) Commissary: GAH I have a love-hate relationship with that place. It's chaos on paydays, but there's deals that you just don't get in the civilian world. Meat is cheaper. Milk is cheaper. Coupons that only military installations have. I dunno what I'm gonna do without access to this!!!
4) Free Concerts: I've seen some mighty awesome concerts being affiliated with the military. Those celebrities love to support their troops. And we as the families love when they do!!
5) Stability: okay...this is somewhat of an oxymoron. You do what the army tells you, when they tell you. But you have a house, you have a job, you have electricity. Things are provided that you have to provide for yourself in the civilian world. Losing that is probably the scariest of them all!
6) Medical: I'm gonna miss being able to go to the doctor anytime I want without have to worry if I can pay the deductible or co-pay. I'm REALLY going to miss getting pretty much all of my medications for free (including ibuprofen). If I think I'm falling apart now...wait till I have no medical. It could be ugly.
7) Opportunities: The military provides opportunities that the civilian world just doesn't get. We travel, we see new places, we learn new things, we get discounts at lots of different places. You can't do that in the real world unless you're made of money.
8) Support (Battle buddies): The government and everyone around you are always there to support you. Granted, sometimes it's not very good support, but there's good intentions. If something happens in the real world, and if you don't have family or really good friends, you're kinda on your own. There's always someone here who's got your back.
PROS
1) Freedom/Independence: Being able to go anywhere you want, whenever you want.
2) Family: Being near family. That's the one thing I've missed the most being gone.
3) Pride: Once an Army Wife...always an Army Wife.
There's many more PROS, but these are the top three that pretty much trump everything else.
So, when a civlian comes up to me when I get home and asks me if I'm glad to be done with the military life, my answer is going to be "not really". Because I do love the lifestyle even with it's challenges.
I'm officially unemployed again. The school year has ended, summer vacation has started. And so begins the countdown to moving away from Kansas back home near our family.
There's alot of things that I'm going to miss about the military life. Weird, strange things that we take for granted. The civilian world is a super scary place. So, here's my list of pros and cons about things I'm going to miss when we're out of the military.
CONS to leaving the military
1) Military ID: As horrible and disgusting as my picture is on that thing, it's been on my person for the past five years. I don't go anywhere without it and I have to use it for pretty much everything on post. It's kinda like a badge. A badge of honor...yeah...I'm an Army Wife. what now??
2) Military neighbors/friends: The civilian world has nothing on the military community. We all are in the same situation. We've been there, we are there, or we're going there. Gives a new meaning to "Been There Done That Got the Shirt". Everyone is here for the same reason and we all have a common life. In the civilian world...there's all the different mixes that just make for a disconnected mess. We have a camaradarie and link to each other in one way or another.
3) Commissary: GAH I have a love-hate relationship with that place. It's chaos on paydays, but there's deals that you just don't get in the civilian world. Meat is cheaper. Milk is cheaper. Coupons that only military installations have. I dunno what I'm gonna do without access to this!!!
4) Free Concerts: I've seen some mighty awesome concerts being affiliated with the military. Those celebrities love to support their troops. And we as the families love when they do!!
5) Stability: okay...this is somewhat of an oxymoron. You do what the army tells you, when they tell you. But you have a house, you have a job, you have electricity. Things are provided that you have to provide for yourself in the civilian world. Losing that is probably the scariest of them all!
6) Medical: I'm gonna miss being able to go to the doctor anytime I want without have to worry if I can pay the deductible or co-pay. I'm REALLY going to miss getting pretty much all of my medications for free (including ibuprofen). If I think I'm falling apart now...wait till I have no medical. It could be ugly.
7) Opportunities: The military provides opportunities that the civilian world just doesn't get. We travel, we see new places, we learn new things, we get discounts at lots of different places. You can't do that in the real world unless you're made of money.
8) Support (Battle buddies): The government and everyone around you are always there to support you. Granted, sometimes it's not very good support, but there's good intentions. If something happens in the real world, and if you don't have family or really good friends, you're kinda on your own. There's always someone here who's got your back.
PROS
1) Freedom/Independence: Being able to go anywhere you want, whenever you want.
2) Family: Being near family. That's the one thing I've missed the most being gone.
3) Pride: Once an Army Wife...always an Army Wife.
There's many more PROS, but these are the top three that pretty much trump everything else.
So, when a civlian comes up to me when I get home and asks me if I'm glad to be done with the military life, my answer is going to be "not really". Because I do love the lifestyle even with it's challenges.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Nothing is certain...
I'm feeling a bit bipolar the last few days. Too many highs and lows in my moods for my liking. Maybe it's hormonal instead of bipolar. Oh but wait...they're very similar.
My daughter had her last choir concert at the high school she attends the other night. Those kids are amazing. Here's a peek............ (warning...I'm a photographer...not a videographer! lol)
I wish I had half of their talent!!
This video is the song the Women's Ensemble sang and received a Superior (1) ranking and went to state competition. My daughter is the blonde with the low ponytail to the side (if you haven't figured it out).
I'm so proud of my daughter!!!
After the concert though, she started crying because it's the last time she'll be singing with these kids. :( I can't even explain how much that broke my heart. It's nothing I can do to change it. On the way home, I was lost in thought about something a friend said for my Operation Me:Project Army Wife project. She said (I am paraphrasing) "Nothing is certain but change".
It's so true. I thought of that the whole night after and it completely bummed me out.
The school year is winding to a close and I'll soon be unemployed. As well as displaced from the military lifestyle soon enough after. It's so scary.
I hope and pray the next few months don't kill us with anticipation or worry of things to come.
And I'm hoping to enjoy time with my friends and getting out to see things here in the midwest before we move back home. I may as well live it up while we're still here.
My daughter had her last choir concert at the high school she attends the other night. Those kids are amazing. Here's a peek............ (warning...I'm a photographer...not a videographer! lol)
I wish I had half of their talent!!
This video is the song the Women's Ensemble sang and received a Superior (1) ranking and went to state competition. My daughter is the blonde with the low ponytail to the side (if you haven't figured it out).
I'm so proud of my daughter!!!
After the concert though, she started crying because it's the last time she'll be singing with these kids. :( I can't even explain how much that broke my heart. It's nothing I can do to change it. On the way home, I was lost in thought about something a friend said for my Operation Me:Project Army Wife project. She said (I am paraphrasing) "Nothing is certain but change".
It's so true. I thought of that the whole night after and it completely bummed me out.
The school year is winding to a close and I'll soon be unemployed. As well as displaced from the military lifestyle soon enough after. It's so scary.
I hope and pray the next few months don't kill us with anticipation or worry of things to come.
And I'm hoping to enjoy time with my friends and getting out to see things here in the midwest before we move back home. I may as well live it up while we're still here.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Productive Day
It's been a very productive day. I am completely exhausted now.
I had three photo sessions today for my project Operation Me: Project Army Wife. They were all amazing. I can't wait to get edits done. Which, of course, will have to wait. I'm so behind on edits from other shoots as well. So, I guess I should get cracking on that this week.
We had so much fun with the shoots today though. Laughing with friends is always a great thing. I'd been fighting a migraine all day too. But I managed to keep it together for the five hours we worked on the sessions.
Please check out a sneak peek of a few photos from today's sessions at http://www.operationme-projectarmywife.blogspot.com
I had tons more I wanted to write about tonight, but it's completely leaving my brain right now. So, I guess it's off to bed.
have a good one ya'll.
I had three photo sessions today for my project Operation Me: Project Army Wife. They were all amazing. I can't wait to get edits done. Which, of course, will have to wait. I'm so behind on edits from other shoots as well. So, I guess I should get cracking on that this week.
We had so much fun with the shoots today though. Laughing with friends is always a great thing. I'd been fighting a migraine all day too. But I managed to keep it together for the five hours we worked on the sessions.
Please check out a sneak peek of a few photos from today's sessions at http://www.operationme-projectarmywife.blogspot.com
I had tons more I wanted to write about tonight, but it's completely leaving my brain right now. So, I guess it's off to bed.
have a good one ya'll.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Operation Me: Project Army Wife
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)