I am angry because...

There's alot of times in my life when I suppress emotions. Okay...so more than alot of times. Pretty much all the time I will suppress emotions. Especially if said emotion is anger, depression, worry, etc. With everything that's been going on in our lives lately, I've felt ALOT of anger the past week. And I can't say that I really know why I'm angry. I'm sure if I thought about it, I could pinpoint why...but as a general overall feeling, I'm just angry.So, tonight, I'm going to have a good old fashioned b*tch-fest.  I'll be doing this in random form. No particular order and I'm going to do my best to keep names out.  Soooooooo....I'm sure I'm going to offend someone....and I hope that if said anger is in someway directed towards you that you understand why and where I'm coming from. If not, please understand these are my thoughts, my emotions. These are things that I'm dealing with. I carry this with me alot and the fact that I am getting it out is a good thing. Let me process the best way I can.

- I'm angry because I feel pushed out and not included. That makes me feel insignificant and unimportant. I then feel as if I'm not really loved and all the worry and love I put forth is not reciprocated.
- I hate the way you talk to him! You do NOT have the right to do that anymore! so stop it!!! I know it's second nature for you to put him/people down. But you're being called out on it now! STOP already and get over yourself!!!
- I hate that I NEVER say what I want to say to you. Being such a nice person sucks sometimes! OOH the things I could say to you!!!
- I'm angry because you cast judgement before you know the story!
- I'm angry because things have gotten out of control and they're your fault!! Why did you do this???
- I wish I could have a day to myself to relax and do whatever I want. My body hurts. I'm tired. I want to sleep late. I want to eat whatever I want and not worry about gaining weight. I want to spoil myself and indulge in things that aren't good for my body once in a while just because I miss it.  I'm angry that I give things up because of someone else or because I think I have to.
- I don't want to do what I'm told or what I should.
- It annoys me that the dishes pile up in the sink and the dishwasher never gets emptied (or loaded) unless I do it or ask someone to do it. I shouldn't have to ask. It's obvious.
- Same goes for the trash being taken out. Laundry to be folded/put away. TOILET PAPER!! omg really?!?! put it on the roll. It takes 2 seconds.
- I'm really not angry at my family for said things above. they're just little annoyances. Everyday things that irk me. Just wanted to throw them out there. Somedays, however, it really does build up and bother me to the point of being angry. But today its just annoying.

Since I've done some of the things that make me angry/annoyed....I do have some things I am grateful for.

- I love my family
- I love that my dog gives me cuddles and is always there for me to pet on her just so I can feel better. lol
- I love that my cat will paw at my face when I'm in bed to get my attention.
- I love that my husband is supportive of my photography obsession. :) I think I can bring him to the dark side. ;)
- I love that my friends are all goofballs! i love them!
- I love that my daughter found a $5 bill on the ground and spent it on a bag of dark chocolate truffles for me. (technically she ate my last bag of truffles...but she still thought of me to buy me more)
- I love that my kids have morals and values...even if its questionable some days. Makes me feel validated as a good mother.
- I love that I sat down in the chair in my flower garden today in the sun and dozed off.

There's so many things I am thankful for. And it helps to put things in focus when the negative tends to consume your being if you let it.  It just looks better when you write it out and can see everything there in front of you.

Are we not all human here?

There are, more often than not, things that happen in life that you just don't understand.  Most of them are to teach you something, whether you know it or not.  Some of them are because you are either in direct relationship with whomever or whatever it is happening to.  Then there are those that you put yourself into for one reason or another, whether purposefully or not.
I don't necessarily see that the latest events in my life are happening "to me" but are happening because it's time to learn something and the fact that I am in direct relationship with the circumstances.  These events are things that I have not, nor will not, mention at the present time.
All I can say is that I pray that I can be supportive without being weak. 
My whole world has yet again been turned topsy-turvy. And the worst part again, has been the lack of control. Hell, I don't even have full knowledge of these circumstances...let alone control.
Not knowing what is going on makes it hard to know how to react. So out of desperation, you grasp at whatever you can and hope to make sense of it. Which usually ends up in a train wreck because you tend to over-analyze everything.
Just like this blog. Most people are probably racking their brains right now trying to figure out what the hell I'm talking about. Why I'm being so cryptic. This is a very personal matter right now but I need to vent. I need to let out frustrations. I don't have any other outlet right now and this has to be it.

I understand there are rules, laws, regulations.  And if anyone is going to be following them, it would be me. But lets think about what's right and wrong here. Let's think that suppose while you're following your rules and regulations that there is a ...gasp...dare I say??....a human being who is being affected by the outcome of your restrictions. I understand things are set in place for the protection of others.  But there are situations where all someone may need is a simple "I understand" ....a little compassion. It's not like I'm going to cause a riot or do anything rash. Granted they probably don't know that. But seriously. How can we make it through this world without being personable and being human? We're not all robots and/or politicians. Who we all know politicians bend the rules anyway they want to. Maybe that's what I need to do. Learn how to be a politician to get things taken care of. I mean they seem to know how to get what they want/need anyway.

Okay for now...this is all I can say. I could go on ranting but I'm just too emotionally drained to keep figuring out how to say what I want to say without saying more than I want to say. (that was alot right there)

I'm Sorry. Or am I?

There comes a time in everyone's life when they feel a little low (for the lack of a better word).  When you have to sit back and think "what's wrong with me?" I'm having one of those times today. I sometimes wonder if I go through these times more often than the average human being.  I guess I've always considered myself "average". I mean I could be worse and I could be better. So, that's somewhere in between. Right?
Anyway, I don't know if at some point in my past relationship experience throughout the many years, if there was something or someone in particular that just really messed me up. Because I don't think I've always been like this. At least, I really don't remember if I was ever not like this but I am assuming I wasn't always this way.
Yes...you caught me, I am beating around the bush.  Let me get to the point....
Okay...I have this bad ...I don't know if I should call it a habit or what...anyway, re-direct... I usually hold emotions in. Well, bad emotions anyway. I try not to let people know if I'm upset or hurt or anything like that. (I honestly don't know why I do this) So, when I do express such emotions, it's because I've let it build up to an unhealthy level that it's going to come out one way or another. So, when I do let out these emotions...let's say anger....then I end up feeling guilty for allowing myself to express emotions. Especially when my anger triggers someone else's anger. Then ....get this...I end up apologizing for getting mad!!!
Or maybe I'm just apologizing for my reaction to being mad. I don't know. Whatever it is...I apologize for it.  Then I get angry at myself for suppressing a human emotion and apologizing for something that I have every right to show.
My husband and I have gone through alot of conversations about this. He's not an "emotional" person. (Thanks Army for de-sensitizing my husband so much.)  After our talks though, he says that I am "authorized these emotions".  (How military is that? lol) So, since I'm authorized these emotions, why do I feel like I have to keep the peace? Am I a doormat? Do I just let other people's feelings count more than my own? Why would I do that? I've gotta look out for number 1 first.  But, I'm not.
I have this quote that I keep on a sticky note on my desktop. It says...

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth.

-Benjamin Disraeli

 

I find it upsetting that I have to remind myself of this. And that I can read it and I will still do the same thing everytime.  Am I just a creature of habit? Or am I a product of something?

 

I've felt for the past few days that I need a good cry. I've had a few teary-eyed moments for no reason and have fought it back. However, tonight, I feel like I just need to get it out and over with. I think I'm going to put in a chick-flick and just bawl my eyes out.

I kinda don't know what else to do at this point.