I'm Sorry. Or am I?

There comes a time in everyone's life when they feel a little low (for the lack of a better word).  When you have to sit back and think "what's wrong with me?" I'm having one of those times today. I sometimes wonder if I go through these times more often than the average human being.  I guess I've always considered myself "average". I mean I could be worse and I could be better. So, that's somewhere in between. Right?
Anyway, I don't know if at some point in my past relationship experience throughout the many years, if there was something or someone in particular that just really messed me up. Because I don't think I've always been like this. At least, I really don't remember if I was ever not like this but I am assuming I wasn't always this way.
Yes...you caught me, I am beating around the bush.  Let me get to the point....
Okay...I have this bad ...I don't know if I should call it a habit or what...anyway, re-direct... I usually hold emotions in. Well, bad emotions anyway. I try not to let people know if I'm upset or hurt or anything like that. (I honestly don't know why I do this) So, when I do express such emotions, it's because I've let it build up to an unhealthy level that it's going to come out one way or another. So, when I do let out these emotions...let's say anger....then I end up feeling guilty for allowing myself to express emotions. Especially when my anger triggers someone else's anger. Then ....get this...I end up apologizing for getting mad!!!
Or maybe I'm just apologizing for my reaction to being mad. I don't know. Whatever it is...I apologize for it.  Then I get angry at myself for suppressing a human emotion and apologizing for something that I have every right to show.
My husband and I have gone through alot of conversations about this. He's not an "emotional" person. (Thanks Army for de-sensitizing my husband so much.)  After our talks though, he says that I am "authorized these emotions".  (How military is that? lol) So, since I'm authorized these emotions, why do I feel like I have to keep the peace? Am I a doormat? Do I just let other people's feelings count more than my own? Why would I do that? I've gotta look out for number 1 first.  But, I'm not.
I have this quote that I keep on a sticky note on my desktop. It says...

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth.

-Benjamin Disraeli

 

I find it upsetting that I have to remind myself of this. And that I can read it and I will still do the same thing everytime.  Am I just a creature of habit? Or am I a product of something?

 

I've felt for the past few days that I need a good cry. I've had a few teary-eyed moments for no reason and have fought it back. However, tonight, I feel like I just need to get it out and over with. I think I'm going to put in a chick-flick and just bawl my eyes out.

I kinda don't know what else to do at this point.

Happy Monkey Day

I'm so excited!!! Hubby and I just stopped to get gas in my vehicle and I did the usual debate trying to decide if I was going in the store...or waiting in the truck. Then he says..."don't you want to get some monkeys??" I flew outta that truck like a bat outta hell!!!
So, let me introduce you to our new monkeys..............

Of course...I had to get two others that we already had in order to get these two. But that's okay.  There's one more out of the set that we still need to get. One that, I know for a fact, we used to have, but for some reason he has gone MIA at some point over the past couple of years.

And I have this somewhat selfish feeling that I don't want anyone else to know where we got them because the monkeys are MINE!!!  LOL I will have to go back to this "place" and check to see that the one I still need works its way around to the drop spot.  I reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want him!!!

Ya know...other wives have a little more expensive tastes when it comes to things they desire. Me?? give me some quarters and monkeys in a plastic ball. I'm good to go! LOL

Have a happy monkey day friends!

Saying "See You Later"

One of the toughest things to do being a military spouse is having to leave or watch someone else leave.  There's the given deployments and saying "see you later" to your husband (or wife) which is hard enough all in itself.  Then there are friendships that are created during military lives that can mean as much to you as anything else. These people that fill in for family when you're away from your own.  They even in some cases fill in aspects of a marriage. We, in our little circle of friends, consider each other everything from "Deployment Hubby" to "Deployment Wifey" to "Army momma".   We are all there for each other on a daily basis. Just like a family would be. We call each other in the middle of the night when you just can't stand being alone anymore. We're there for coffee every morning. Cookouts every summer. Playdates. Birthday parties. When someone gets sick and just needs a helping hand. And so much more!
There have been a few best friends, bff's, battle buddies in my life who at one point or another due to the military have been taken away from me due to the military lifestyle. And though we expect it, you don't have to like it. I've had a few battle buddies since I became an army wife.  All of which I don't live near anymore (except for the current deployment wifey).  And you always say you're gonna stay in touch and nothing changes except the distance between you.  But honestly, things do change. You get new lives. The phone calls dwindle. The emails become few and far between.  But you can always know that in your mind (and your heart) that you will always have that friend there if you need them. Whether you call them to vent or cry or drop an email to just catch up.
I have a close circle of friends here in Kansas.  We've all come different walks of life, different places in the country. We are definitely a diverse group and have each seen life through different colored glasses. Our experiences in life make us who we are. And to merge your life with someone else broadens that horizon even more. Because you see things from a new perspective.  You learn different things about the world and yourself.  These relationships I have with my friends are priceless and nothing I would ever want to lose.
Fifty years from now, I can look back on my life as an army wife and I'll remember the places I've been, the deployments and hardships we've gone through. But what I'll remember most is the people I've met along the way.
And for that I'm grateful for being an Army Wife! HOOAH!

Love to all my Battle Buddies out there....in Kansas and around the world!

School, Commercials and Bobble-Heads

My sister has told me a few times now that I need to do another blog. So here it is.
Only...I can't keep a complete thought lately. Everything is flying around in little pieces and occasionally two of them collide and stick together to make a partial thought. Which is about how the last three sentences were made.

I've gone back to work this week. Yep...schools back in session. Summer's over. Sadness.  School's not that bad really. I like being back at work. I've definitely missed the paycheck thats for darn sure. One of the drawbacks to working in the school system. 
But now that I'm back at work, I'm completely exhausted. The arthritis is flaring up. The leg pain is horrible. wah wah wah. I know.  Another reason why I hadn't thought about blogging because everything was gonna turn out to be a whine. Sorry ya'll.

So I'm sure you all have seen tons of the back to school commercials for the department stores, etc.  Well....there's one, (and I can't for the life of me remember which store its for) where there's a music teacher and he sings this little jingle about what kids need for school so they'll be "cool".  Well the song is so catchy and horrible its funny! My daughter is a gifted singer.  She can pick up on jingles and songs so fast.  Hubby and I made her watch this commercial today and I told her if she ever started singing it (especially the "shoes" part. haha) I would punch her in the face (I really wouldn't....but just trying to prove a point).   So immediately she starts bobbing her head like it's a radio hit! And of course....she starts singing it. But she couldn't pick up on all the words that fast so it came out a little like this:   Something...Something...Jeans....Shawn White Hoodie....leggings...Jeans.  
OOOH!!!  I think it's a Target commercial. 
Okay....I actually looked it up on youtube and here's the video..............enjoy (I know it just took me forever to actually do that)

it's so bad I love it!!!  And now I'm sure my daughter is gonna learn the song and I'll be hearing more of it. Joy!

It's almost like hearing teenagers singing a song about dancing like a bobble head.  Is this for real? Tell me this isn't a real song??? I did however have an amazingly hearty laugh over it at the time. 
I love the random things teenagers do.  Makes me laugh and keeps me young.

it's gonna be a good year!! ;)

PS....wouldn't it be amazing if I had a bobble-head monkey??? I need to keep my eye out for one of those.

The Spirit of the Game (Eye Candy)

If you've ever been to a military installation, you know there are security gates one must present proper identification and in some situations go through vehicle inspections, etc.  Those of us who visit/work or live on a military installation have grown accustomed to this. It's a normal everyday thing.
It's always interesting to see the different personalities, as you could imagine, that the gate guards/mp's have.  Occasionally you'll get the grouchy one who is all business. But for the most part people don't mind being...human. It's good to always get a "nice" guard or one that will b.s. with you. Just cause you don't want to come in contact with a negative guard. Right?
I've gone through the gate before and had random trivia questions thrown at me. When I didn't know the answer, they wouldn't tell me(I think they honestly didn't know).  So of course I had to go home and google it. I've gone through many vehicle inspections. Which are usually tolerable...but some don't goof around too much in those situations. They take that crap serious!
My husband always feels like going through the gate is like hitting pit row in Nascar.  It's important to know which gate to go through...left or right...in order to gain a position (meaning you move ahead of car(s) in line in front of you). You begin watching the line as you pull closer to the gate. Which vehicles look like they're gonna take a while (more people = more id's). When he gains position(s)...it's like he's in Victory Lane! lol
For us ladies though, we have our own game. When we drive up to the gate and you have to make that last minute decision whether to go right or left....at this point you can't see if it's a hired security gate guard or an mp. And as we all know...soldiers in uniform are way hotter than security guards in uniform. (nothing wrong with a little eye candy.)  So...the game is to get the cute MP at the gate.  If you get a female mp/guard...no points**.  Gate guard...no points. MP...SCORE!  Especially if he's hot. If he's but ugly you could lose points.
Now mind you...we're technically not keeping points. We just say we are all in the spirit of the game.

So, this was always an "army wife" kinda game between me and my friends.  Until the day we (as a family) went through the gate and my daughter blurts out "NO points for you mom!!"
REALLY? then I had to explain to my husband what she was talking about.  lol
But at least now my husband knows so as we went through the gate earlier today, He got a cute mp and my daughter announces "10 points for you Charlie!!" LOL
WOOT WOOT!!

Enjoy the game!

**No offense to any female military members! We love you girls!!! Hooah!!!

Chewing the fat...

I've been trying to think of what to blog about the past few days. The basic day to day grind would have turned out to be more of a grocery list of complaints and mundane chores. So, I skipped all that.  Today, however, from the time I woke up, all I could think about was bacon.  Yeah...bacon. Let me explain before you decide I've completely lost it.
My family and I always have turkey bacon.  That's what my husband grew up on, that's what his kids grew up on. Me and my kids however, come from Virginia and we grew up on REAL pork bacon.
Growing up in the country, I remember daddy and my uncles slaughtering a hog and the "fat back" and pork we had for what seemed like forever after that from that one hog. Now that's gooooood salty bacon!!!
Don't get me wrong...I like turkey bacon. And in my constant quest of "trying" to eat healthy, turkey bacon is the one thing that I think I'm making a successful attempt. That was my "lifestyle change".  But every once in a while...I just want some REAL bacon. The salty flavor...the texture is different. You can even chew on the fat and it's tastes good!! It just takes me back to being a kid in the mountains where everything that was put on the table tasted better with bacon or bacon grease on it.
I made real bacon once a while back and my husband's kids didn't understand why it tasted different.  I was appalled!! "it's BACON! REAL BACON! Not the turkey variety!! it's a REAL pig!!"  They still didn't like it as good.
I just don't understand.

It's odd how when you grow up certain things just become "so".  That's what you know...that's what you like...and nothing else changes that.  You grow up doing things in a certain routine. Doing things a certain way.  Like the toilet paper rolling over instead of under.  Yes...it's a lifestyle! You could change it. But why would you want to? It works better this way!
But then there are certain things in your life that you should change, try to change, need to change. But as you grow up and continue on with your life the repetitive actions just happen and pass on by. Day after day. 

Four years ago, I made a change from real bacon to turkey bacon.  Today though, I'm revisiting my childhood and having some good ole bacon. Although my arteries probably don't appreciate it, my taste buds will. And I'll have bacon with my pancakes, and then BLT's for lunch. It's a bacon-y kind of day.

(And yes, I think it's completely odd I just devoted a blog to bacon. LOL)

So...good morning ya'll! It's time to throw that bacon in a pan! ;)

Deployment - R&R Advise

Here's five of my own personal tips of advise that I want to share with my fellow Army Wives who are currently or about to embark on their first separation from their husbands due to deployments.

1)  Cry if you want to. Just do it and get it over with and get back to your business. There's too much to do to sit around crying for days on end. Have a mourning day and pick yourself up.

2) chocolate helps.

3) if chocolate is not an option (why wouldn't it be though?? really??) any other personal indulgence in small to moderate amounts will suffice.

4)  Let me say a little about R&R.  I'll try not to stay on my soap box for long on this one.
 
- R&R can be bittersweet. Your "routine" you've set to deal with the deployment has been interrupted with your pre-deployment routine.  It's wonderful and crazy at the same time.  Enjoy it and be flexible. period.

  - Your friend's hubby's r&r can also be bittersweet. While you are happy for your friend you are sad and jealous that it's not you. Be understanding. The roles will be reversed.

- IF you are a wife who's husband is NOT deployed with your fellow wives' husbands...you have to understand....those two weeks are precious to her and its all she has out of a year. DO NOT try to cut in on her time with her husband. If she freely offers it up...okay. But don't butt in for 15 days.

 - Shave your legs (etc). nuff said

5)  Choose your battles.  Somethings are just not worth the hurt/anger/upset feelings thousands of miles between the two of you. Sleep on it and if its still an issue the next day...then confront it. Added stress over petty issues is just irresponsible.