I've been discussing PTSD with a friend who's husband has recently been diagnosed. Not something that I would have ever imagined I'd be giving advise about in my lifetime. But there it is. During this conversation, I brought up how wives change. And this could be any wife, not just military wives. We bend and change ourselves to fit into our husband's life. And it's true. I've changed so much in the past fives years. Not that it's a completely bad thing. I do have things about myself that are better. Okay...let me explain.
I'm in counselling to help learn how to handle my husband's ptsd. One of the topics that gets brought up alot is "me". What do I do for me? What has happened to "me"? How do I feel? What do I think? So many times since my husband came home from deployment have I pushed back the true and honest me in order to be more. More like what I think he wants me to be. More of a devoted wife. More of a caregiver. More of everything but myself. Granted, I am made up of all these things. But they shouldn't be all consuming to the point that I no longer feel, act, or think the way I used to. I've gotten lost in the day to day shuffle of husband, home, family, army, work, and PTSD/TBI.
This is an existence. Doing what is expected of you and never having a voice. I'm a drone. Created by my own insecurities, fears, and worries.
I'm working on a new project. Although, it's slow to get started, I have quite a few people signing up to work with me on it. (more info to come later about this)
The overall jist of my project is for women (Army wives in particular) to have a day that they are themselves. To reconnect with who YOU are. We all need to remember who we were that our husbands fell in love with. Who we were proud to be. Our individual persons. We're all wives. Mothers. Sisters. Daughters. But at the root of it all, we're women.
I've lost myself. And I'm learning how to get myself back. It's a slow process, but a process I must go through. I don't want others to feel lost like me. I want others to learn that we can be it all. We can do all these things and still have 15 minutes a day to be ourselves. We have to.
In the world we live in today...in this lifestyle of being in the military, there are so many ways to lose ourselves. So many obstacles and challenges out of our control. We need to remember who we are.
I had a counsellor tell me once, you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. And it's so true.
So, why is it so hard to take all this advise for myself? How do I practice what I preach?
By sharing it with others and passing it forward. It's all I know to do right now.
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, November 3, 2011
What do you do in your "me time"?
I had another counselling appointment today. I don't think I had any magnificent ah-ha moments from this week's visit like I did last time. But she did reiterate that I need some me time. She said that I'm extremely supportive of my husband and family. I'm an excellent caregiver. But what happened to taking care of me? And it's true. Back to the old battle of remembering to do something for myself. I can come up with the excuses. I'm so busy with things right now. Work is hectic. Everyone has obligations. Etc. Etc. Etc. But she's completely right. I do need me-time. I don't even schedule it for myself. Because...what would I do? I do consider my photography me time...even though it's for someone else. But I enjoy it. I had thought maybe for my me time I could take a nap. I like naps. And I really just want to sleep most of the time anyway but rarely ever get to. When it's night and I sit down on my bed...that's all she wrote folks. I'm out like a light before my head hits the pillow. My hubby laughs cause no sooner than I lay down, and as I start to fall asleep, my body starts jerking and twitching. I guess that's when I finally start to relax. So, yeah...some me time sleeping would be good. Don't ya think? So, what do you do when you have me time??
Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away. He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.
On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI. So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working). So, we'll see if he makes the cut. I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.
I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.
Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm
Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away. He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.
On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI. So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working). So, we'll see if he makes the cut. I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.
I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.
Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Triggers and Landmines
Living with someone who has PTSD is kinda like living in a field of landmines. Most of the time, life goes on, like normal. That's when you're walking around the outer perimeters of the landmines. You know they are there, but everything's going okay. Then something happens, you trip into the mines and there's an explosion. That's when he has an "episode".
My husband's episodes usually consist of him getting angry (or feeling rage) over something. Sometimes, it consists of what I call "shut-down mode". He pretty much shuts down and just goes through the motions of whatever he's doing. There's no talking, no emotions. No interaction what so ever.
And from my side, I never really know what it is that triggers them. So, that of course puts me into cautious mode. I don't want to make it worse or trigger something again. So, I walk on tip-toes avoiding the landmines. Which I think is a trigger all in itself. The fact that I'm tip-toeing around. But what else do I do?
I don't know how to react to this.
Especially when it happens in public, I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen. So, I just hurry and do what we are out for and go so we can get back home. At least at home, we can go separate ways until everything has de-escalated and gone back to normal. Is this how life is going to be now? How do we deal with this?
How do I be supportive without being too motherly or overbearing?
And how do I show my emotions without them triggering an episode? Should I pretend I have none as well?
How do we learn to live with this?
My husband's episodes usually consist of him getting angry (or feeling rage) over something. Sometimes, it consists of what I call "shut-down mode". He pretty much shuts down and just goes through the motions of whatever he's doing. There's no talking, no emotions. No interaction what so ever.
And from my side, I never really know what it is that triggers them. So, that of course puts me into cautious mode. I don't want to make it worse or trigger something again. So, I walk on tip-toes avoiding the landmines. Which I think is a trigger all in itself. The fact that I'm tip-toeing around. But what else do I do?
I don't know how to react to this.
Especially when it happens in public, I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen. So, I just hurry and do what we are out for and go so we can get back home. At least at home, we can go separate ways until everything has de-escalated and gone back to normal. Is this how life is going to be now? How do we deal with this?
How do I be supportive without being too motherly or overbearing?
And how do I show my emotions without them triggering an episode? Should I pretend I have none as well?
How do we learn to live with this?
Monday, September 19, 2011
What about the spouses?
Military spouses have to deal with alot of things. Alot of unknown situations they are put into just because thier loved one is a soldier. Most of these things the military will try to prepare families for. When the soldier deploys, they prepare the families with a training of sorts to prepare for separation. When the soldier returns, there's reintegration training. Granted, no matter how much training you can imagine, it doesn't compare to experiencing the real thing. Sending the soldier out for days, weeks, or even months at a time is still preparation for them to deploy and for the families to become accustomed to being without their loved one for a certain amount of time. But it's not completely the same.
There are a few things in life that you're just not prepared for. There's no training that can even remotely make you feel ready to deal with these life situations that no one wants to think about...let alone figure out what to do if it should happen...before it happens.
It's a given that soldiers deploy with the knowledge that they may not return home or that they may return home injured. They prepare the best they can before deployment in case this should happen. Preparing wills, making sure life insurance is in order, etc.
Then there are those soldiers, who aren't technically "wounded" ...but are. They come home different. They're not the same as when they left. Due to one reason or another, they've experienced something traumatic in their day to day life living downrange and they return to the home life a completely different person. Sometimes its noticed before they come home. Sometimes shortly after. Sometimes it takes a while. It could be a culmination of alot of different things that make it obvious.
That's what happened to my soldier. He came home from his third deployment a little different. A little angrier. He had a little more trouble sleeping. Things seemed to slowly start falling apart. Then after the fourth deployment, it was more than a subtle change. His life priorities had changed. All the while I'm at home with the same priorities and goals that we had before he left. And even after battling this PTSD for a year now, it's still an on-going struggle. Not just for him, but for me.
This is one thing that I feel like the military just does not train spouses to deal with. And once it does happen, it's still not a top priority for the families to learn how to deal with the changes in their spouse. How to readjust your life to live with someone who is on edge 24/7...who's on constant alert and can't turn himself off to even rest.
They make it well known that they want the awareness out that these soldiers aren't alone. They provide classes and group therapies and social work and more for the soldiers so that they may treat their PTSD. Which is a wonderful thing that its becoming more of a known topic. I feel like there's a ton of loopholes in this program though.
But did you know there is such a thing as Secondary PTSD. This happens when you start to suffer depression, caregiver stress, or other similar symptoms that mirror your soldier who is suffering from the ptsd that resulted from a traumatic event. There are so many people out there who I'm sure don't even know it exists.
Why is the Army not making the families aware of this? Why are the families not made of aware of what to expect when their soldier is dealing with this? Why, when they realize a soldier has PTSD, is the family not included in treatment? Why, if the soldier is placed in treatment, is the family left out of the loop and not given any information at all? WHY??? Can someone tell me WHY the military is dropping their families on this???
It makes me angry!! I have researched information on ptsd...on the treatment...the symptoms. I've searched for PTSD support groups designed for family members. And in this area, they're few and far between. The best source to get one on one help as a spouse is through Military OneSource. There has to be more out there.
Luckily, I have a great group of friends who've been there for me through anything. I have wonderful friends in another group (Her War Her Voice) who've been amazing help as well. And that's about all I can say as far as learning to live with someone with PTSD. You need your own support system. And its basically going to be up to you to find it.
Please see a few resources below that I find helpful.....
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/
http://www.militaryonesource.com/
http://www.notalone.com/
http://www.herwarhervoice.com/
http://www.familyofavet.com/secondary_ptsd.html (Secondary PTSD information)
http://www.familyofavet.com/parent_teacher_packet.html (parent/teacher packet for families with kids)
There are a few things in life that you're just not prepared for. There's no training that can even remotely make you feel ready to deal with these life situations that no one wants to think about...let alone figure out what to do if it should happen...before it happens.
It's a given that soldiers deploy with the knowledge that they may not return home or that they may return home injured. They prepare the best they can before deployment in case this should happen. Preparing wills, making sure life insurance is in order, etc.
Then there are those soldiers, who aren't technically "wounded" ...but are. They come home different. They're not the same as when they left. Due to one reason or another, they've experienced something traumatic in their day to day life living downrange and they return to the home life a completely different person. Sometimes its noticed before they come home. Sometimes shortly after. Sometimes it takes a while. It could be a culmination of alot of different things that make it obvious.
That's what happened to my soldier. He came home from his third deployment a little different. A little angrier. He had a little more trouble sleeping. Things seemed to slowly start falling apart. Then after the fourth deployment, it was more than a subtle change. His life priorities had changed. All the while I'm at home with the same priorities and goals that we had before he left. And even after battling this PTSD for a year now, it's still an on-going struggle. Not just for him, but for me.
This is one thing that I feel like the military just does not train spouses to deal with. And once it does happen, it's still not a top priority for the families to learn how to deal with the changes in their spouse. How to readjust your life to live with someone who is on edge 24/7...who's on constant alert and can't turn himself off to even rest.
They make it well known that they want the awareness out that these soldiers aren't alone. They provide classes and group therapies and social work and more for the soldiers so that they may treat their PTSD. Which is a wonderful thing that its becoming more of a known topic. I feel like there's a ton of loopholes in this program though.
But did you know there is such a thing as Secondary PTSD. This happens when you start to suffer depression, caregiver stress, or other similar symptoms that mirror your soldier who is suffering from the ptsd that resulted from a traumatic event. There are so many people out there who I'm sure don't even know it exists.
Why is the Army not making the families aware of this? Why are the families not made of aware of what to expect when their soldier is dealing with this? Why, when they realize a soldier has PTSD, is the family not included in treatment? Why, if the soldier is placed in treatment, is the family left out of the loop and not given any information at all? WHY??? Can someone tell me WHY the military is dropping their families on this???
It makes me angry!! I have researched information on ptsd...on the treatment...the symptoms. I've searched for PTSD support groups designed for family members. And in this area, they're few and far between. The best source to get one on one help as a spouse is through Military OneSource. There has to be more out there.
Luckily, I have a great group of friends who've been there for me through anything. I have wonderful friends in another group (Her War Her Voice) who've been amazing help as well. And that's about all I can say as far as learning to live with someone with PTSD. You need your own support system. And its basically going to be up to you to find it.
Please see a few resources below that I find helpful.....
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/
http://www.militaryonesource.com/
http://www.notalone.com/
http://www.herwarhervoice.com/
http://www.familyofavet.com/secondary_ptsd.html (Secondary PTSD information)
http://www.familyofavet.com/parent_teacher_packet.html (parent/teacher packet for families with kids)
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