I once was lost....

I've been discussing PTSD with a friend who's husband has recently been diagnosed. Not something that I would have ever imagined I'd be giving advise about in my lifetime. But there it is. During this conversation, I brought up how wives change. And this could be any wife, not just military wives. We bend and change ourselves to fit into our husband's life. And it's true. I've changed so much in the past fives years. Not that it's a completely bad thing. I do have things about myself that are better. Okay...let me explain.
I'm in counselling to help learn how to handle my husband's ptsd. One of the topics that gets brought up alot is "me".  What do I do for me? What has happened to "me"? How do I feel? What do I think? So many times since my husband came home from deployment have I pushed back the true and honest me in order to be more. More like what I think he wants me to be. More of a devoted wife. More of a caregiver. More of everything but myself. Granted, I am made up of all these things. But they shouldn't be all consuming to the point that I no longer feel, act, or think the way I used to. I've gotten lost in the day to day shuffle of husband, home, family, army, work, and PTSD/TBI.
This is an existence. Doing what is expected of you and never having a voice. I'm a drone. Created by my own insecurities, fears, and worries.
I'm working on a new project. Although, it's slow to get started, I have quite a few people signing up to work with me on it. (more info to come later about this)
The overall jist of my project is for women (Army wives in particular) to have a day that they are themselves. To reconnect with who YOU are. We all need to remember who we were that our husbands fell in love with. Who we were proud to be. Our individual persons. We're all wives. Mothers. Sisters. Daughters. But at the root of it all, we're women.
I've lost myself. And I'm learning how to get myself back. It's a slow process, but a process I must go through. I don't want others to feel lost like me. I want others to learn that we can be it all. We can do all these things and still have 15 minutes a day to be ourselves. We have to.
In the world we live in today...in this lifestyle of being in the military, there are so many ways to lose ourselves. So many obstacles and challenges out of our control. We need to remember who we are.
I had a counsellor tell me once, you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. And it's so true.
So, why is it so hard to take all this advise for myself? How do I practice what I preach?
By sharing it with others and passing it forward. It's all I know to do right now.  

What to do...besides make excuses

Once again, I had a visit with my counsellor yesterday and she asked me what I've been doing for me. And, as per the usual, I couldn't think of a darn thing.  I always use the excuse "I've been doing photo shoots. I really like doing those." But of course that doesn't qualify because technically: a) it's "work" b) it's not for me and c) it really is ALOT of work. So, here I sit on a Friday night, alone, trying to decide do I a) work on photo edits (which I have a TON to do)... b) clean the dog puke out of the carpet ...c) finish folding laundry ...d) another massive list of random house chores that have been neglected this week ...or e) something for me.
Notice I didn't elaborate on the "something for me" part. I'm still at a loss what that is. I could sleep. That's something I always want to do but never get to. But I don't think it's quite what the counsellor was insinuating.
I do have a bottle of wine in the fridge and I could always give myself a pedicure and relax watching chick flicks. But of course, I'd drink the wine, get tipsy, then have to go out to pick up the kid. So, that's a no go. Maybe later.
I could play Just Dance. But then, my knees would be killing me later and I'd regret that decision.
Let's see....how many more excuses can I come up with?
Why is it so stinking hard to do something for myself? I think I'm most content these days when I'm just sitting staring at the walls and not having to think or move.
Maybe it's just a lack of motivation. I'm just so worn out by the end of the day that there's just nothing left in me to do anything else. I do everything that I have to...then I'm done.
I feel like everything I "have" to do is always for other people. Which ...don't get me wrong...I don't mind that for the most part. If I stop and think about it though, I don't do any of it because I want to. It's because I think I have to.  Like the housework. I'm pretty weird about keeping my house clean. Have been for quite some time. (there's a reason to that...but it's a long story) So, now it's just second nature in me to constantly move around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. I can't sit and watch a movie because I'm constantly thinking about the one dirty glass that's in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the load of towels sitting in a basket that should be folded and put in the closet.
Maybe I really am just OCD. I think I need more therapy to overcome this. But then what? I'd live in a messy house?

I know what you all are thinking...that I need medication. I'm on it thanks. ;) This is as good as it gets. LOL

Well, I did decide to stop and get something for myself to eat tonight. $6 and a lot of disappointment later, I should have stuck with a bowl of cereal. LOL I always find myself going to the fast food chinese  at the food court in the PX (post exchange).  I know everytime I go there that it sucks and the portions are not dollar proportionate. Meaning I paid $6 for a small container of chicken and a crap load of dried out rice. I feel so used. HAHA

But anywho...I'm thinking my me time tonight will consist of absolutely nothing. Maybe some Pinterest and possibly a movie. Although I'm enjoying the quiet immensely. If I'm not careful, the sleep just might creep into this plan after all. ;)

Have a good one ya'll!

Today's Bests:
Phone calls with the hubby
Coffee (in a cup and not all over the counter)
Coca-cola
electric heated lap blanket
Puppy snuggles
Opening Night (daughter's play)
Free pizza at work for support staff
Payday!!!

What do you do in your "me time"?

I had another counselling appointment today. I don't think I had any magnificent ah-ha moments from this week's visit like I did last time. But she did reiterate that I need some me time. She said that I'm extremely supportive of my husband and family. I'm an excellent caregiver. But what happened to taking care of me? And it's true. Back to the old battle of remembering to do something for myself.  I can come up with the excuses.  I'm so busy with things right now. Work is hectic. Everyone has obligations. Etc. Etc. Etc. But she's completely right. I do need me-time. I don't even schedule it for myself. Because...what would I do? I do consider my photography me time...even though it's for someone else. But I enjoy it. I had thought maybe for my me time I could take a nap. I like naps. And I really just want to sleep most of the time anyway but rarely ever get to. When it's night and I sit down on my bed...that's all she wrote folks. I'm out like a light before my head hits the pillow. My hubby laughs cause no sooner than I lay down, and as I start to fall asleep, my body starts jerking and twitching. I guess that's when I finally start to relax. So, yeah...some me time sleeping would be good. Don't ya think? So, what do you do when you have me time??

Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away.  He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.

On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI.  So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working).  So, we'll see if he makes the cut.  I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.

I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.

Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!

Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm

What's the best thing in your life today?

I had a counsellor's appointment today. She asked me what was the best thing right now. I couldn't think of anything. I mean there are good things. But what defines "best"? Finally, after a minute or two I said, "my house is clean." Which isn't really that clean right now, but it's not bad. I felt embarrassed that the only best thing I could come up with was my obsessive compulsive tendencies to clean my house 24/7. So, I kept thinking. She then asked me what am I worrying about most right now. Which of course is money and I answered her almost instantly. She pointed out to me how easy it is to pick up on the negative things in our life. And that I need to stop every day and think about the good things. Even if it is just one and even if it is just the house being clean. After a good five minutes, I did come up with some things I'm working on and a few other things. On the drive home, I decided I'm using the dry erase board in my kitchen to start writing down one thing everyday that's "best" or that I'm happy about or grateful for. A positive thought that I can see and remind myself of. 

She also asks me every time I go there what I'm doing for me. Sad to say, I rarely do things just for me.  I have intentions. Honestly I do. But good intentions don't go very far when it comes to being healthy.  I'm one of these people who has to schedule me time.  That's just so sad. At the end of the visit though, I did realize I have a few projects that I'm going to be working on that can be my me time. It will tap into my creative juices and get them flowing again. This can help.

On a completely different note, I feel very betrayed by the military today. Things that we've been battling for a while now have finally come to a close. And now begins more struggles and frustrations. I just feel completely let down by his previous chain of command. I normally wouldn't say stuff like this because it always comes back to bite ya. But I'm tired of keeping my mouth shut. I'm tired of not saying what I think or feel because it could backlash into something worse. I'm speaking my mind today (without going into detail) and that's that.  It really sucks when you've gone through all the things you've been through and your chain of command drops you like a hot potato when you need support and understanding.
But, on the good side, we're looking at another change in our life story.  Our plans to PCS to Korea have been cancelled. My husband is being medically discharged. He got the paperwork today to begin the med board process. This is a "best" thing!! My husband has been deployed 4 times. He's suffering from so many health problems. The PTSD he suffers from has consumed our lives. This is the best thing for him. I'm really pleased with this.  There will be more to this story in the future I'm sure. Hopefully it'll be good stories and not crap like we've been dealing with lately.

God has a plan for us. I know this. And I can only tell myself that the struggles we're going through right now are leading to something else. There is a mean to the purpose.
We're gonna be fine. :)


Today's Bests:
  My family...they're always there for me!
  Med Board started
  Clean smelling laundry
  Craft projects to work on
  Headache is finally going away
  Heat (yes...it's cold here!!)
  Snuggles from my dog
  spooning with my cat