I once was lost....

I've been discussing PTSD with a friend who's husband has recently been diagnosed. Not something that I would have ever imagined I'd be giving advise about in my lifetime. But there it is. During this conversation, I brought up how wives change. And this could be any wife, not just military wives. We bend and change ourselves to fit into our husband's life. And it's true. I've changed so much in the past fives years. Not that it's a completely bad thing. I do have things about myself that are better. Okay...let me explain.
I'm in counselling to help learn how to handle my husband's ptsd. One of the topics that gets brought up alot is "me".  What do I do for me? What has happened to "me"? How do I feel? What do I think? So many times since my husband came home from deployment have I pushed back the true and honest me in order to be more. More like what I think he wants me to be. More of a devoted wife. More of a caregiver. More of everything but myself. Granted, I am made up of all these things. But they shouldn't be all consuming to the point that I no longer feel, act, or think the way I used to. I've gotten lost in the day to day shuffle of husband, home, family, army, work, and PTSD/TBI.
This is an existence. Doing what is expected of you and never having a voice. I'm a drone. Created by my own insecurities, fears, and worries.
I'm working on a new project. Although, it's slow to get started, I have quite a few people signing up to work with me on it. (more info to come later about this)
The overall jist of my project is for women (Army wives in particular) to have a day that they are themselves. To reconnect with who YOU are. We all need to remember who we were that our husbands fell in love with. Who we were proud to be. Our individual persons. We're all wives. Mothers. Sisters. Daughters. But at the root of it all, we're women.
I've lost myself. And I'm learning how to get myself back. It's a slow process, but a process I must go through. I don't want others to feel lost like me. I want others to learn that we can be it all. We can do all these things and still have 15 minutes a day to be ourselves. We have to.
In the world we live in today...in this lifestyle of being in the military, there are so many ways to lose ourselves. So many obstacles and challenges out of our control. We need to remember who we are.
I had a counsellor tell me once, you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. And it's so true.
So, why is it so hard to take all this advise for myself? How do I practice what I preach?
By sharing it with others and passing it forward. It's all I know to do right now.  

One day at a time....

Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

So true.
And it's like the saying about You'll never see the trees if you keep looking at the forest.
mmm hmmmm

I'm a here and now kind of person. Live in the moment. Granted, it's good to have goals and a plan for the future. But sometimes...you gotta just live for the now.

And God love my husband, he doesn't remember things like he used to. So, he's always going over things in his mind and asks me the same things over and over not realizing we've discussed it before. From my end...I can usually tolerate it. But catch me on "one of those days" and I know I don't handle it the way I probably should. (I'm sorry honey) Not to mention...how can you repeatedly tell someone something like that without them getting angry or frustrated? It's hard really. What do you do?

And we know we're leaving. This stupid yo-yo roller coaster ride with dates and such is getting pretty old. My daughter is already having a hard enough time adjusting to leaving. So, to be able to enjoy the time we have left here would be wonderful. Without being hell-bent on going.  We may not absolutely LOVE it here. But we don't hate it. And we do love some of the things/people here. So, why can't we enjoy the time we have left. We shouldn't make ourselves hate it so we can go go go faster when the army isn't going to let it happen like that. We're along for the ride...so I'm taking pictures.

It's spring break this week. It pretty much sucks so far. Between a severe allergy attack that kept me in bed for almost four days and nothing but rain rain rain, I'd like to request a do-over. Starting.....hmmm...NOW!!
If only...

What do you do in your "me time"?

I had another counselling appointment today. I don't think I had any magnificent ah-ha moments from this week's visit like I did last time. But she did reiterate that I need some me time. She said that I'm extremely supportive of my husband and family. I'm an excellent caregiver. But what happened to taking care of me? And it's true. Back to the old battle of remembering to do something for myself.  I can come up with the excuses.  I'm so busy with things right now. Work is hectic. Everyone has obligations. Etc. Etc. Etc. But she's completely right. I do need me-time. I don't even schedule it for myself. Because...what would I do? I do consider my photography me time...even though it's for someone else. But I enjoy it. I had thought maybe for my me time I could take a nap. I like naps. And I really just want to sleep most of the time anyway but rarely ever get to. When it's night and I sit down on my bed...that's all she wrote folks. I'm out like a light before my head hits the pillow. My hubby laughs cause no sooner than I lay down, and as I start to fall asleep, my body starts jerking and twitching. I guess that's when I finally start to relax. So, yeah...some me time sleeping would be good. Don't ya think? So, what do you do when you have me time??

Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away.  He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.

On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI.  So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working).  So, we'll see if he makes the cut.  I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.

I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.

Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!

Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm