When going through the medboard process, how do you know what expectations to have? I feel like we've prematurely expected everything to be done by now. We've packed our home. We've painted. We've cleaned. We've done our housing pre-inspection. I've withdrawn my daughter from school. The people who know things first told us a couple of weeks until we would have orders in hand. Now, we're hearing 2 to 3 months. I don't even know how to process this at the moment. I'm having so many different emotions. Do I leave my husband here to wait out the final processing? Do I stay, which would involve re-enrolling my daughter in school here? If I leave, how would we afford for me to come back to help with the move? How are we going to afford for me to even leave right now in order to get home and find a place to live and get her enrolled in school there? How am I going to even get a place to live there with no extra money and BAH still going towards the house here which has our entire life packed in boxes?
I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm sad. I'm annoyed. I'm confused. Could this have been prevented if we had just sat back and waited until the last minute when we had orders in hand to start the clearing process? Should we have kept on living day to day like we would always be here? I don't even know about any of it right now.
I can't talk about it with my husband because I'm still processing emotions. And as we know, he doesn't do emotions. I've cried out of frustration already this morning and walked away so he wouldn't see. Crying being one of his triggers, I couldn't chance that the situation would become worse because I can't keep my emotions in anymore.
I know with the military you don't expect anything when they say it's supposed to happen. And true to past experiences, I've learned once again that they have us no matter what. It all comes down to slow processing time and being overwhelmed with paperwork, on our part and the military's.
What do I do now? I feel myself spiralling into a place in my mind that I don't deal with any of it. Pretend it's not happening. Hmm...that's denial. But I know we have to figure this out. I just can't do it at the moment. I can't process the emotions to get to processing actions. I just want to sit and cry and do nothing. Why can't things go the way you expect them to? Why?
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The next chapter....
It's the beginning of the end of this chapter for our family. My husband's medboard process has moved along. He received his percentages from the VA and the Army. We are very pleased with the outcome. They will be medically retiring him as well. Which is amazingly wonderful! The bonus to that is the kids and I will keep full benefits! I'm beyond relieved!!!
So, now begins the bittersweet changes that we were anticipating for so long. We have a short amount of time to get packed and moved. Although, his final orders are not in hand yet, we know they will be within the next week or so. Then after that, it's a matter of days to leaving Kansas.
I have begun making my "lists". I am a list person. I sometimes just need to see everything laid out just to squash any overwhelming feelings of procrastination. It never looks that bad when it's laid out in writing.
But here I am again, procrastinating. I'm lacking motivation to begin. I'm not sure if it's because chaos is not one of my strong points. I don't handle it well. And having my world in boxes sitting around in hallways, etc is utter chaos. I need organization and cleanliness. The thought stresses me out. Even with the list, I couldn't go that far as to make the "packing" list that I need. I have everything else leading up to that part.
And the thought of living out of boxes for the next...who knows how many months until we find a home. SHUDDER!!! I'm afflicted with anxiety and stress.
I know it needs to get done. So, I'm going to just buckle down and do it. Only thing I can do.
I'm going to start with one room. Which will be the office. I can pack away most of everything in there (sans photography gear) and the boxes won't necessarily be in direct sight. I can do this. I have to do this!!!
In the meantime, I've been trying to get in as much time with friends here as I possibly can. I'm going to miss them all terribly.
They've become my family. The definition of Army Family has a very strong meaning. They fill in for blood relations when you don't have any around. And it's just the same as leaving home. I'm leaving part of my family again. Definitely sad. But we have so many memories to keep with us. And we have friendship that will carry us through the rest of our years. Change and moving is inevitable in the military. But this time it just seems so final. Probably because it is.
So, if my girls are reading this....I love you all and I will miss you more than I can say.
But to stay positive...it's on to the next chapter of possibilities. :)
So, now begins the bittersweet changes that we were anticipating for so long. We have a short amount of time to get packed and moved. Although, his final orders are not in hand yet, we know they will be within the next week or so. Then after that, it's a matter of days to leaving Kansas.
I have begun making my "lists". I am a list person. I sometimes just need to see everything laid out just to squash any overwhelming feelings of procrastination. It never looks that bad when it's laid out in writing.
But here I am again, procrastinating. I'm lacking motivation to begin. I'm not sure if it's because chaos is not one of my strong points. I don't handle it well. And having my world in boxes sitting around in hallways, etc is utter chaos. I need organization and cleanliness. The thought stresses me out. Even with the list, I couldn't go that far as to make the "packing" list that I need. I have everything else leading up to that part.
And the thought of living out of boxes for the next...who knows how many months until we find a home. SHUDDER!!! I'm afflicted with anxiety and stress.
I know it needs to get done. So, I'm going to just buckle down and do it. Only thing I can do.
I'm going to start with one room. Which will be the office. I can pack away most of everything in there (sans photography gear) and the boxes won't necessarily be in direct sight. I can do this. I have to do this!!!
In the meantime, I've been trying to get in as much time with friends here as I possibly can. I'm going to miss them all terribly.
They've become my family. The definition of Army Family has a very strong meaning. They fill in for blood relations when you don't have any around. And it's just the same as leaving home. I'm leaving part of my family again. Definitely sad. But we have so many memories to keep with us. And we have friendship that will carry us through the rest of our years. Change and moving is inevitable in the military. But this time it just seems so final. Probably because it is.
So, if my girls are reading this....I love you all and I will miss you more than I can say.
But to stay positive...it's on to the next chapter of possibilities. :)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
It's scary out there!
I've been thinking lately. (I know that's nothing unusual and yet scary all at the same time.)
I'm officially unemployed again. The school year has ended, summer vacation has started. And so begins the countdown to moving away from Kansas back home near our family.
There's alot of things that I'm going to miss about the military life. Weird, strange things that we take for granted. The civilian world is a super scary place. So, here's my list of pros and cons about things I'm going to miss when we're out of the military.
CONS to leaving the military
1) Military ID: As horrible and disgusting as my picture is on that thing, it's been on my person for the past five years. I don't go anywhere without it and I have to use it for pretty much everything on post. It's kinda like a badge. A badge of honor...yeah...I'm an Army Wife. what now??
2) Military neighbors/friends: The civilian world has nothing on the military community. We all are in the same situation. We've been there, we are there, or we're going there. Gives a new meaning to "Been There Done That Got the Shirt". Everyone is here for the same reason and we all have a common life. In the civilian world...there's all the different mixes that just make for a disconnected mess. We have a camaradarie and link to each other in one way or another.
3) Commissary: GAH I have a love-hate relationship with that place. It's chaos on paydays, but there's deals that you just don't get in the civilian world. Meat is cheaper. Milk is cheaper. Coupons that only military installations have. I dunno what I'm gonna do without access to this!!!
4) Free Concerts: I've seen some mighty awesome concerts being affiliated with the military. Those celebrities love to support their troops. And we as the families love when they do!!
5) Stability: okay...this is somewhat of an oxymoron. You do what the army tells you, when they tell you. But you have a house, you have a job, you have electricity. Things are provided that you have to provide for yourself in the civilian world. Losing that is probably the scariest of them all!
6) Medical: I'm gonna miss being able to go to the doctor anytime I want without have to worry if I can pay the deductible or co-pay. I'm REALLY going to miss getting pretty much all of my medications for free (including ibuprofen). If I think I'm falling apart now...wait till I have no medical. It could be ugly.
7) Opportunities: The military provides opportunities that the civilian world just doesn't get. We travel, we see new places, we learn new things, we get discounts at lots of different places. You can't do that in the real world unless you're made of money.
8) Support (Battle buddies): The government and everyone around you are always there to support you. Granted, sometimes it's not very good support, but there's good intentions. If something happens in the real world, and if you don't have family or really good friends, you're kinda on your own. There's always someone here who's got your back.
PROS
1) Freedom/Independence: Being able to go anywhere you want, whenever you want.
2) Family: Being near family. That's the one thing I've missed the most being gone.
3) Pride: Once an Army Wife...always an Army Wife.
There's many more PROS, but these are the top three that pretty much trump everything else.
So, when a civlian comes up to me when I get home and asks me if I'm glad to be done with the military life, my answer is going to be "not really". Because I do love the lifestyle even with it's challenges.
I'm officially unemployed again. The school year has ended, summer vacation has started. And so begins the countdown to moving away from Kansas back home near our family.
There's alot of things that I'm going to miss about the military life. Weird, strange things that we take for granted. The civilian world is a super scary place. So, here's my list of pros and cons about things I'm going to miss when we're out of the military.
CONS to leaving the military
1) Military ID: As horrible and disgusting as my picture is on that thing, it's been on my person for the past five years. I don't go anywhere without it and I have to use it for pretty much everything on post. It's kinda like a badge. A badge of honor...yeah...I'm an Army Wife. what now??
2) Military neighbors/friends: The civilian world has nothing on the military community. We all are in the same situation. We've been there, we are there, or we're going there. Gives a new meaning to "Been There Done That Got the Shirt". Everyone is here for the same reason and we all have a common life. In the civilian world...there's all the different mixes that just make for a disconnected mess. We have a camaradarie and link to each other in one way or another.
3) Commissary: GAH I have a love-hate relationship with that place. It's chaos on paydays, but there's deals that you just don't get in the civilian world. Meat is cheaper. Milk is cheaper. Coupons that only military installations have. I dunno what I'm gonna do without access to this!!!
4) Free Concerts: I've seen some mighty awesome concerts being affiliated with the military. Those celebrities love to support their troops. And we as the families love when they do!!
5) Stability: okay...this is somewhat of an oxymoron. You do what the army tells you, when they tell you. But you have a house, you have a job, you have electricity. Things are provided that you have to provide for yourself in the civilian world. Losing that is probably the scariest of them all!
6) Medical: I'm gonna miss being able to go to the doctor anytime I want without have to worry if I can pay the deductible or co-pay. I'm REALLY going to miss getting pretty much all of my medications for free (including ibuprofen). If I think I'm falling apart now...wait till I have no medical. It could be ugly.
7) Opportunities: The military provides opportunities that the civilian world just doesn't get. We travel, we see new places, we learn new things, we get discounts at lots of different places. You can't do that in the real world unless you're made of money.
8) Support (Battle buddies): The government and everyone around you are always there to support you. Granted, sometimes it's not very good support, but there's good intentions. If something happens in the real world, and if you don't have family or really good friends, you're kinda on your own. There's always someone here who's got your back.
PROS
1) Freedom/Independence: Being able to go anywhere you want, whenever you want.
2) Family: Being near family. That's the one thing I've missed the most being gone.
3) Pride: Once an Army Wife...always an Army Wife.
There's many more PROS, but these are the top three that pretty much trump everything else.
So, when a civlian comes up to me when I get home and asks me if I'm glad to be done with the military life, my answer is going to be "not really". Because I do love the lifestyle even with it's challenges.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Nothing is certain...
I'm feeling a bit bipolar the last few days. Too many highs and lows in my moods for my liking. Maybe it's hormonal instead of bipolar. Oh but wait...they're very similar.
My daughter had her last choir concert at the high school she attends the other night. Those kids are amazing. Here's a peek............ (warning...I'm a photographer...not a videographer! lol)
I wish I had half of their talent!!
This video is the song the Women's Ensemble sang and received a Superior (1) ranking and went to state competition. My daughter is the blonde with the low ponytail to the side (if you haven't figured it out).
I'm so proud of my daughter!!!
After the concert though, she started crying because it's the last time she'll be singing with these kids. :( I can't even explain how much that broke my heart. It's nothing I can do to change it. On the way home, I was lost in thought about something a friend said for my Operation Me:Project Army Wife project. She said (I am paraphrasing) "Nothing is certain but change".
It's so true. I thought of that the whole night after and it completely bummed me out.
The school year is winding to a close and I'll soon be unemployed. As well as displaced from the military lifestyle soon enough after. It's so scary.
I hope and pray the next few months don't kill us with anticipation or worry of things to come.
And I'm hoping to enjoy time with my friends and getting out to see things here in the midwest before we move back home. I may as well live it up while we're still here.
My daughter had her last choir concert at the high school she attends the other night. Those kids are amazing. Here's a peek............ (warning...I'm a photographer...not a videographer! lol)
I wish I had half of their talent!!
This video is the song the Women's Ensemble sang and received a Superior (1) ranking and went to state competition. My daughter is the blonde with the low ponytail to the side (if you haven't figured it out).
I'm so proud of my daughter!!!
After the concert though, she started crying because it's the last time she'll be singing with these kids. :( I can't even explain how much that broke my heart. It's nothing I can do to change it. On the way home, I was lost in thought about something a friend said for my Operation Me:Project Army Wife project. She said (I am paraphrasing) "Nothing is certain but change".
It's so true. I thought of that the whole night after and it completely bummed me out.
The school year is winding to a close and I'll soon be unemployed. As well as displaced from the military lifestyle soon enough after. It's so scary.
I hope and pray the next few months don't kill us with anticipation or worry of things to come.
And I'm hoping to enjoy time with my friends and getting out to see things here in the midwest before we move back home. I may as well live it up while we're still here.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Productive Day
It's been a very productive day. I am completely exhausted now.
I had three photo sessions today for my project Operation Me: Project Army Wife. They were all amazing. I can't wait to get edits done. Which, of course, will have to wait. I'm so behind on edits from other shoots as well. So, I guess I should get cracking on that this week.
We had so much fun with the shoots today though. Laughing with friends is always a great thing. I'd been fighting a migraine all day too. But I managed to keep it together for the five hours we worked on the sessions.
Please check out a sneak peek of a few photos from today's sessions at http://www.operationme-projectarmywife.blogspot.com
I had tons more I wanted to write about tonight, but it's completely leaving my brain right now. So, I guess it's off to bed.
have a good one ya'll.
I had three photo sessions today for my project Operation Me: Project Army Wife. They were all amazing. I can't wait to get edits done. Which, of course, will have to wait. I'm so behind on edits from other shoots as well. So, I guess I should get cracking on that this week.
We had so much fun with the shoots today though. Laughing with friends is always a great thing. I'd been fighting a migraine all day too. But I managed to keep it together for the five hours we worked on the sessions.
Please check out a sneak peek of a few photos from today's sessions at http://www.operationme-projectarmywife.blogspot.com
I had tons more I wanted to write about tonight, but it's completely leaving my brain right now. So, I guess it's off to bed.
have a good one ya'll.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Operation Me: Project Army Wife
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I once was lost....
I've been discussing PTSD with a friend who's husband has recently been diagnosed. Not something that I would have ever imagined I'd be giving advise about in my lifetime. But there it is. During this conversation, I brought up how wives change. And this could be any wife, not just military wives. We bend and change ourselves to fit into our husband's life. And it's true. I've changed so much in the past fives years. Not that it's a completely bad thing. I do have things about myself that are better. Okay...let me explain.
I'm in counselling to help learn how to handle my husband's ptsd. One of the topics that gets brought up alot is "me". What do I do for me? What has happened to "me"? How do I feel? What do I think? So many times since my husband came home from deployment have I pushed back the true and honest me in order to be more. More like what I think he wants me to be. More of a devoted wife. More of a caregiver. More of everything but myself. Granted, I am made up of all these things. But they shouldn't be all consuming to the point that I no longer feel, act, or think the way I used to. I've gotten lost in the day to day shuffle of husband, home, family, army, work, and PTSD/TBI.
This is an existence. Doing what is expected of you and never having a voice. I'm a drone. Created by my own insecurities, fears, and worries.
I'm working on a new project. Although, it's slow to get started, I have quite a few people signing up to work with me on it. (more info to come later about this)
The overall jist of my project is for women (Army wives in particular) to have a day that they are themselves. To reconnect with who YOU are. We all need to remember who we were that our husbands fell in love with. Who we were proud to be. Our individual persons. We're all wives. Mothers. Sisters. Daughters. But at the root of it all, we're women.
I've lost myself. And I'm learning how to get myself back. It's a slow process, but a process I must go through. I don't want others to feel lost like me. I want others to learn that we can be it all. We can do all these things and still have 15 minutes a day to be ourselves. We have to.
In the world we live in today...in this lifestyle of being in the military, there are so many ways to lose ourselves. So many obstacles and challenges out of our control. We need to remember who we are.
I had a counsellor tell me once, you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. And it's so true.
So, why is it so hard to take all this advise for myself? How do I practice what I preach?
By sharing it with others and passing it forward. It's all I know to do right now.
I'm in counselling to help learn how to handle my husband's ptsd. One of the topics that gets brought up alot is "me". What do I do for me? What has happened to "me"? How do I feel? What do I think? So many times since my husband came home from deployment have I pushed back the true and honest me in order to be more. More like what I think he wants me to be. More of a devoted wife. More of a caregiver. More of everything but myself. Granted, I am made up of all these things. But they shouldn't be all consuming to the point that I no longer feel, act, or think the way I used to. I've gotten lost in the day to day shuffle of husband, home, family, army, work, and PTSD/TBI.
This is an existence. Doing what is expected of you and never having a voice. I'm a drone. Created by my own insecurities, fears, and worries.
I'm working on a new project. Although, it's slow to get started, I have quite a few people signing up to work with me on it. (more info to come later about this)
The overall jist of my project is for women (Army wives in particular) to have a day that they are themselves. To reconnect with who YOU are. We all need to remember who we were that our husbands fell in love with. Who we were proud to be. Our individual persons. We're all wives. Mothers. Sisters. Daughters. But at the root of it all, we're women.
I've lost myself. And I'm learning how to get myself back. It's a slow process, but a process I must go through. I don't want others to feel lost like me. I want others to learn that we can be it all. We can do all these things and still have 15 minutes a day to be ourselves. We have to.
In the world we live in today...in this lifestyle of being in the military, there are so many ways to lose ourselves. So many obstacles and challenges out of our control. We need to remember who we are.
I had a counsellor tell me once, you can't take care of everyone else if you don't take care of yourself first. And it's so true.
So, why is it so hard to take all this advise for myself? How do I practice what I preach?
By sharing it with others and passing it forward. It's all I know to do right now.
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