I woke up this morning with an update from my cousin about how my grandmother was doing. She's been sick for a very long time now. And the past few days have been really bad. Her organs have begun to shut down and the doctors say its a matter of time at this point.
What bothers me most is that I'm not there to help my family right now. We're a tight knit clan who have always been there for each other. We're southern and traditional. Family is our top priority and especially our elders. You respect your elders. They are the ones who deserve the respect in the family most.
Last time I saw my grandmother was a year ago. And, I'd like to think she knew who I was then. She did smile alot while I was there. At least that's the memory I'll keep with me forever. That she did know it was me and that I was once again that little girl that stayed with her when there was no school and she'd make dolls for us out of scrap material she kept in an old suitcase under the bed.
We say the hardest thing about being a military family is leaving people you love behind. Another aspect of that is not being there when you want to be or need to be.
I walked outside this morning to take the dog out. It's a cold dreary day with wintry cold winds. The air feels cold and crisp. I noticed on summer days I can hear the traffic across the way, but today it was so cold I couldn't even hear the cars when I could see them go by. It's as if the sound was frozen somewhere between there and here. It was completely silent, almost like a movie with the sound turned off, only hearing a random leaf blowing down the street. But, all the while, in my mind, I was thinking of the sounds that my family are hearing taking care of my grandmother. Being up all night with her and taking her to the hospital this morning. It's like being an outsider looking in and not really being part of the story. So many times, we go through our day and miss so much because we're listening to just what we want to hear or what we need to hear. I'd like to think that stopping and listening to the peaceful quiet of the morning, that I can hope my grandmother is hearing a peace through all her battles. I know God is watching over her and my family right now. And that gives me comfort. If anything, maybe the quiet is to help me since I'm not there. Even though if feels very alone.
But still, I miss the comfort of family. This is so hard.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
What to do...besides make excuses
Once again, I had a visit with my counsellor yesterday and she asked me what I've been doing for me. And, as per the usual, I couldn't think of a darn thing. I always use the excuse "I've been doing photo shoots. I really like doing those." But of course that doesn't qualify because technically: a) it's "work" b) it's not for me and c) it really is ALOT of work. So, here I sit on a Friday night, alone, trying to decide do I a) work on photo edits (which I have a TON to do)... b) clean the dog puke out of the carpet ...c) finish folding laundry ...d) another massive list of random house chores that have been neglected this week ...or e) something for me.
Notice I didn't elaborate on the "something for me" part. I'm still at a loss what that is. I could sleep. That's something I always want to do but never get to. But I don't think it's quite what the counsellor was insinuating.
I do have a bottle of wine in the fridge and I could always give myself a pedicure and relax watching chick flicks. But of course, I'd drink the wine, get tipsy, then have to go out to pick up the kid. So, that's a no go. Maybe later.
I could play Just Dance. But then, my knees would be killing me later and I'd regret that decision.
Let's see....how many more excuses can I come up with?
Why is it so stinking hard to do something for myself? I think I'm most content these days when I'm just sitting staring at the walls and not having to think or move.
Maybe it's just a lack of motivation. I'm just so worn out by the end of the day that there's just nothing left in me to do anything else. I do everything that I have to...then I'm done.
I feel like everything I "have" to do is always for other people. Which ...don't get me wrong...I don't mind that for the most part. If I stop and think about it though, I don't do any of it because I want to. It's because I think I have to. Like the housework. I'm pretty weird about keeping my house clean. Have been for quite some time. (there's a reason to that...but it's a long story) So, now it's just second nature in me to constantly move around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. I can't sit and watch a movie because I'm constantly thinking about the one dirty glass that's in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the load of towels sitting in a basket that should be folded and put in the closet.
Maybe I really am just OCD. I think I need more therapy to overcome this. But then what? I'd live in a messy house?
I know what you all are thinking...that I need medication. I'm on it thanks. ;) This is as good as it gets. LOL
Well, I did decide to stop and get something for myself to eat tonight. $6 and a lot of disappointment later, I should have stuck with a bowl of cereal. LOL I always find myself going to the fast food chinese at the food court in the PX (post exchange). I know everytime I go there that it sucks and the portions are not dollar proportionate. Meaning I paid $6 for a small container of chicken and a crap load of dried out rice. I feel so used. HAHA
But anywho...I'm thinking my me time tonight will consist of absolutely nothing. Maybe some Pinterest and possibly a movie. Although I'm enjoying the quiet immensely. If I'm not careful, the sleep just might creep into this plan after all. ;)
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
Phone calls with the hubby
Coffee (in a cup and not all over the counter)
Coca-cola
electric heated lap blanket
Puppy snuggles
Opening Night (daughter's play)
Free pizza at work for support staff
Payday!!!
Notice I didn't elaborate on the "something for me" part. I'm still at a loss what that is. I could sleep. That's something I always want to do but never get to. But I don't think it's quite what the counsellor was insinuating.
I do have a bottle of wine in the fridge and I could always give myself a pedicure and relax watching chick flicks. But of course, I'd drink the wine, get tipsy, then have to go out to pick up the kid. So, that's a no go. Maybe later.
I could play Just Dance. But then, my knees would be killing me later and I'd regret that decision.
Let's see....how many more excuses can I come up with?
Why is it so stinking hard to do something for myself? I think I'm most content these days when I'm just sitting staring at the walls and not having to think or move.
Maybe it's just a lack of motivation. I'm just so worn out by the end of the day that there's just nothing left in me to do anything else. I do everything that I have to...then I'm done.
I feel like everything I "have" to do is always for other people. Which ...don't get me wrong...I don't mind that for the most part. If I stop and think about it though, I don't do any of it because I want to. It's because I think I have to. Like the housework. I'm pretty weird about keeping my house clean. Have been for quite some time. (there's a reason to that...but it's a long story) So, now it's just second nature in me to constantly move around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. I can't sit and watch a movie because I'm constantly thinking about the one dirty glass that's in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the load of towels sitting in a basket that should be folded and put in the closet.
Maybe I really am just OCD. I think I need more therapy to overcome this. But then what? I'd live in a messy house?
I know what you all are thinking...that I need medication. I'm on it thanks. ;) This is as good as it gets. LOL
Well, I did decide to stop and get something for myself to eat tonight. $6 and a lot of disappointment later, I should have stuck with a bowl of cereal. LOL I always find myself going to the fast food chinese at the food court in the PX (post exchange). I know everytime I go there that it sucks and the portions are not dollar proportionate. Meaning I paid $6 for a small container of chicken and a crap load of dried out rice. I feel so used. HAHA
But anywho...I'm thinking my me time tonight will consist of absolutely nothing. Maybe some Pinterest and possibly a movie. Although I'm enjoying the quiet immensely. If I'm not careful, the sleep just might creep into this plan after all. ;)
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
Phone calls with the hubby
Coffee (in a cup and not all over the counter)
Coca-cola
electric heated lap blanket
Puppy snuggles
Opening Night (daughter's play)
Free pizza at work for support staff
Payday!!!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Hindsight and Me vs. the curb
I can't believe it's Sunday, again, and I don't remember Friday and Saturday. I think that's because I've been working the past several weekends. Working, meaning photography stuff and photo shoots...ie: my second job. In the past week, I've done 5 photo shoots, which include a wedding. I think this is amazing! But of course, I'm still busy even after the shoots are over. I have tons of edits to do. Only two shoots left to edit, one of course being the wedding which will take some time. But, now, here we are at Sunday and I think I have another mini shoot today. I have to check my schedule.
In hindsight, after the wedding yesterday, I thought of so many poses and shots that I would have loved to have taken. Things that I had in mind before, but through all the busy activities of the day, just didn't happen. This being my first big wedding, I have definitely learned a few organization lessons and a few other lessons that will help me in the future.
I have to say though, the one lesson that made the biggest impact on me was that I wore these black boots that I ALWAYS wear. Because they're pretty comfy and the heel on them isn't obnoxious and I can actually walk in them for a good amount of time without having problems from all my ailments. But, as it happens, my family is vertically challenged. Not meaning that we're short...meaning that we have a hard time staying on our feet, as in....walking. This can also be known as gracefully challenged. As I was leaving for the wedding yesterday, I stepped out off the curb and as my luck would have it, I rolled my ankle and fell on my butt. And when I say on my butt...I mean the right cheek from the leg to the part that technically should be the lower back and it connected completely with the curb and street. Today I feel as if someone has kicked me repeatedly. Not to mention the squatting and standing all day has worked muscles that I'm not used to working and they now scream at me too when I move. Can I just say it sucks getting old!!!
In hindsight, after the wedding yesterday, I thought of so many poses and shots that I would have loved to have taken. Things that I had in mind before, but through all the busy activities of the day, just didn't happen. This being my first big wedding, I have definitely learned a few organization lessons and a few other lessons that will help me in the future.
I have to say though, the one lesson that made the biggest impact on me was that I wore these black boots that I ALWAYS wear. Because they're pretty comfy and the heel on them isn't obnoxious and I can actually walk in them for a good amount of time without having problems from all my ailments. But, as it happens, my family is vertically challenged. Not meaning that we're short...meaning that we have a hard time staying on our feet, as in....walking. This can also be known as gracefully challenged. As I was leaving for the wedding yesterday, I stepped out off the curb and as my luck would have it, I rolled my ankle and fell on my butt. And when I say on my butt...I mean the right cheek from the leg to the part that technically should be the lower back and it connected completely with the curb and street. Today I feel as if someone has kicked me repeatedly. Not to mention the squatting and standing all day has worked muscles that I'm not used to working and they now scream at me too when I move. Can I just say it sucks getting old!!!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
It's what I do.
It's been so busy and hectic here. I've had several photo sessions already this week and quite a few more by Saturday. Plus a play we're attending tomorrow. My daughter has rehearsals for her play at school and rehearsals will begin next week for the Christmas show that she's going to also be in. It's hectic to say the least. Because even though a photo session is over, it's not really. I spend a good day or two (if not up to a week) editting the pictures. My photography business has hit a growth spurt lately, which is an amazing thing. I'm just hoping it keeps going. I love taking pictures and doing these shoots. I'm really looking forward to things to come with this opportunity.
I was told today that one of the clients I just did photos for has been looking at her pics over and over that I posted in a teaser for her. I have to say, I could cry thinking that I have captured the passion and the love they've portrayed in these pictures and that I have given her something that she will love the rest of her life. THAT is what it's all about!! That's why I do what I do. I love that I'm capturing something that can last forever. When people forget how they felt or what was happening or what they say, they can look back at these pictures and remember exactly what it was like to be in that moment again. I love it!
Onto other things, Kansas felt a little rumble a couple times in the past week. We did get a little of the earthquakes that hit in Oklahoma. I personally did not feel a thing. My husband did. And it just took him two days to realize it was the earthquake. I should have known that if I could sleep through fire alarms going off in a hotel room on our Senior trip 20 some years ago that I would also sleep through an earthquake. HAHA imagine that!
The weather the past few days has been so gloomy and dreary that it makes me want to curl up in bed. My mood matches it most days. Mainly because the cold, damp air really makes my body hurt. The arthritis is unbearable, even with meds, and the PVD doesn't help anything. The Peripheral Vascular Disease makes me achy anyway, and as a morning ritual as I'm blow-drying my hair, I always spend a few minutes with the heat blowing on my legs and feet as well. Heat just makes it feel so much better. I so wish I had a suit that I could wear with continuous heat blowing on me from the waist down. Now that would be awesome!! So, now that it's colder out, I just want to wrap my legs in an electric blanket at work just to ease the discomfort. blaaaah!
The weather also makes it a task to get the pup to go out. God love her little heart. She hates to get wet. So, it ends up that I have to actually go out and stand in the middle of the rain with her so she'll actually go. She's the sneaky little thing that will stand under the edge of the roof close to the house and go there so she doesn't get as wet. I always end up getting the bad end of that deal. Just saying.
I'm off to get more editting done. I have so much to do tonight and Mount Washmore has been looming over me as well.
Have a good one ya'll!
I was told today that one of the clients I just did photos for has been looking at her pics over and over that I posted in a teaser for her. I have to say, I could cry thinking that I have captured the passion and the love they've portrayed in these pictures and that I have given her something that she will love the rest of her life. THAT is what it's all about!! That's why I do what I do. I love that I'm capturing something that can last forever. When people forget how they felt or what was happening or what they say, they can look back at these pictures and remember exactly what it was like to be in that moment again. I love it!
Onto other things, Kansas felt a little rumble a couple times in the past week. We did get a little of the earthquakes that hit in Oklahoma. I personally did not feel a thing. My husband did. And it just took him two days to realize it was the earthquake. I should have known that if I could sleep through fire alarms going off in a hotel room on our Senior trip 20 some years ago that I would also sleep through an earthquake. HAHA imagine that!
The weather the past few days has been so gloomy and dreary that it makes me want to curl up in bed. My mood matches it most days. Mainly because the cold, damp air really makes my body hurt. The arthritis is unbearable, even with meds, and the PVD doesn't help anything. The Peripheral Vascular Disease makes me achy anyway, and as a morning ritual as I'm blow-drying my hair, I always spend a few minutes with the heat blowing on my legs and feet as well. Heat just makes it feel so much better. I so wish I had a suit that I could wear with continuous heat blowing on me from the waist down. Now that would be awesome!! So, now that it's colder out, I just want to wrap my legs in an electric blanket at work just to ease the discomfort. blaaaah!
The weather also makes it a task to get the pup to go out. God love her little heart. She hates to get wet. So, it ends up that I have to actually go out and stand in the middle of the rain with her so she'll actually go. She's the sneaky little thing that will stand under the edge of the roof close to the house and go there so she doesn't get as wet. I always end up getting the bad end of that deal. Just saying.
I'm off to get more editting done. I have so much to do tonight and Mount Washmore has been looming over me as well.
Have a good one ya'll!
Thursday, November 3, 2011
What do you do in your "me time"?
I had another counselling appointment today. I don't think I had any magnificent ah-ha moments from this week's visit like I did last time. But she did reiterate that I need some me time. She said that I'm extremely supportive of my husband and family. I'm an excellent caregiver. But what happened to taking care of me? And it's true. Back to the old battle of remembering to do something for myself. I can come up with the excuses. I'm so busy with things right now. Work is hectic. Everyone has obligations. Etc. Etc. Etc. But she's completely right. I do need me-time. I don't even schedule it for myself. Because...what would I do? I do consider my photography me time...even though it's for someone else. But I enjoy it. I had thought maybe for my me time I could take a nap. I like naps. And I really just want to sleep most of the time anyway but rarely ever get to. When it's night and I sit down on my bed...that's all she wrote folks. I'm out like a light before my head hits the pillow. My hubby laughs cause no sooner than I lay down, and as I start to fall asleep, my body starts jerking and twitching. I guess that's when I finally start to relax. So, yeah...some me time sleeping would be good. Don't ya think? So, what do you do when you have me time??
Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away. He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.
On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI. So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working). So, we'll see if he makes the cut. I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.
I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.
Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm
Sitting here in bed tonight (actually awake for a change) I was watching my hubby do maintenance on his CPAC machine for his sleep apnea. And watching him pull the hose and such off the machine to replace, it made me think back to when my dad was alive and was so sick. He was on a kidney dialysis machine before he passed away. He had so many medical supplies that my mom had to keep up with and learn to use. I haven't talked about my dad in a long time. But I do think about him. I was such the daddy's girl. And he was so sick from complications to his diabetes for most of my childhood. He passed away when he was 39 years old. I was 17 at the time. I had this fear through my adult years: what if I were to pass away at 39? I'm now 39. I made it this far. And I really do miss my dad so much. But I'm so grateful for the time I had with him and things I learned from him.
On to a lighter note.... The Extreme Makeover - Home Edition that my husband and I went to the reveal will be airing tomorrow night on ABC at 8 eastern / 7 central. It's the Hill family episode. We don't know the family personally...but I have friends who do. The dad is a war veteran and has PTSD/TBI (post traumatic stress disorder and traumatic brain injury). My husband also has PTSD and a TBI. So, it kind of hit home for us. We're just really glad we could be there. And the fact that my hubby got to meet Ty Pennington (one of his idols) was a bonus! Plus, my husband should also be appearing on the show. Key word...should. (I say this because he was filmed quite a few times the day he was there working). So, we'll see if he makes the cut. I have friends that are going to record it on dvr for us so we can go watch it. I'm excited.
I'm going to be super busy over the next week. I have six photography appointments scheduled. From casual sessions, to a wedding, to a military homecoming. I'm so excited! I've gotten a few new tricks up my sleeve as well as some new equipment I got for my birthday from my Mom. I've been practicing this week and can't wait to get to it! I just hope the weather AND the fall leaves hold out for us.
Okay, I can't even think anymore. I'm off to bed.
Have a good one ya'll!
Today's Bests:
* Tostitos Artisan Chipotle Chips and peanut butter m & m's. mmmm
* heated blankets
* the cat petting my cheek
* my daughter's choir gown costing half the price that I had anticipated
* carmex lip balm
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