Once again, I had a visit with my counsellor yesterday and she asked me what I've been doing for me. And, as per the usual, I couldn't think of a darn thing. I always use the excuse "I've been doing photo shoots. I really like doing those." But of course that doesn't qualify because technically: a) it's "work" b) it's not for me and c) it really is ALOT of work. So, here I sit on a Friday night, alone, trying to decide do I a) work on photo edits (which I have a TON to do)... b) clean the dog puke out of the carpet ...c) finish folding laundry ...d) another massive list of random house chores that have been neglected this week ...or e) something for me.
Notice I didn't elaborate on the "something for me" part. I'm still at a loss what that is. I could sleep. That's something I always want to do but never get to. But I don't think it's quite what the counsellor was insinuating.
I do have a bottle of wine in the fridge and I could always give myself a pedicure and relax watching chick flicks. But of course, I'd drink the wine, get tipsy, then have to go out to pick up the kid. So, that's a no go. Maybe later.
I could play Just Dance. But then, my knees would be killing me later and I'd regret that decision.
Let's see....how many more excuses can I come up with?
Why is it so stinking hard to do something for myself? I think I'm most content these days when I'm just sitting staring at the walls and not having to think or move.
Maybe it's just a lack of motivation. I'm just so worn out by the end of the day that there's just nothing left in me to do anything else. I do everything that I have to...then I'm done.
I feel like everything I "have" to do is always for other people. Which ...don't get me wrong...I don't mind that for the most part. If I stop and think about it though, I don't do any of it because I want to. It's because I think I have to. Like the housework. I'm pretty weird about keeping my house clean. Have been for quite some time. (there's a reason to that...but it's a long story) So, now it's just second nature in me to constantly move around cleaning and picking up and putting things away. I can't sit and watch a movie because I'm constantly thinking about the one dirty glass that's in the sink instead of the dishwasher, or the load of towels sitting in a basket that should be folded and put in the closet.
Maybe I really am just OCD. I think I need more therapy to overcome this. But then what? I'd live in a messy house?
I know what you all are thinking...that I need medication. I'm on it thanks. ;) This is as good as it gets. LOL
Well, I did decide to stop and get something for myself to eat tonight. $6 and a lot of disappointment later, I should have stuck with a bowl of cereal. LOL I always find myself going to the fast food chinese at the food court in the PX (post exchange). I know everytime I go there that it sucks and the portions are not dollar proportionate. Meaning I paid $6 for a small container of chicken and a crap load of dried out rice. I feel so used. HAHA
But anywho...I'm thinking my me time tonight will consist of absolutely nothing. Maybe some Pinterest and possibly a movie. Although I'm enjoying the quiet immensely. If I'm not careful, the sleep just might creep into this plan after all. ;)
Have a good one ya'll!
Phone calls with the hubby
Coffee (in a cup and not all over the counter)
electric heated lap blanket
Opening Night (daughter's play)
Free pizza at work for support staff