Tuesday, September 27, 2011

10 Thoughts for Tuesday

1. It's Tuesday. Aaaaallllll day long! Why can't it be Friday or something. Speaking of Friday, I'm going on a field trip with the kids at school on Thursday and Friday and I'm really excited.  I went last year and I really liked it. I'm also taking pictures for the class. :) Another excitement for me.

2.  I went to a Her War Her Voice meeting tonight.  I've been to a few and really enjoy going. Those ladies are amazing and it's an awesome group. Check it out. http://www.herwarhervoice.com/  or on facebook www.facebook.com/herwarhervoice 

3.  Tonight we discussed toxic friendships. We all know about those.  What we look for in friendships, what is a no-go in relationships, and when to end them. Being a military spouse, we meet so many people and have so many friendships. There's always those that are toxic in our lives and don't benefit you and can even hurt you.  And realizing these relationships and knowing when and how to get out of them is important. This goes for any relationship really. I am lucky to say that I do have a great group of friends...and luckily not too many acquaintances here are toxic.

4.  I should be baking a cake right now for work tomorrow.  Mountain Dew Cake. Aka the diabetics nightmare. But GAH it's sooooooooooo good!!!

5.  One of my friends let me borrow her carpet cleaner this past weekend.  All I gotta say is...I've got to get me one of those things!!!! I cleaned my downstairs, my couch, chair, ottoman, and the daughter's room (so far).  I love it! I've got to finish the upstairs but I'll need another bottle of cleaner. Cause this house was way overdue a deep cleaning!

6.  I still feel like I need a day to stay in my pajamas, sleep most of the day, and just relax. When does this happen? I think I need to schedule this day asap!

7.  My hubby unloaded the dishwasher.  I think the Heavens have opened and I heard angels singing!! I love you honey!!

8. Just realized hubby unloaded the dishwasher just before he asked me about buying another truck. LOL  hmmmmmm. HAHAHA

9.  Checked my daughter's grades today (end of the first 6 weeks).  Gotta say...I'm so proud of her (again)! I love that she wants and strives for good grades!

10.  Okay...I'm down to 10 and I'm drawing blank. I think it's time for me to relax (right after I bake this cake). 

ya'll have a good one!

Friday, September 23, 2011

Guess What....I'm Country Ya'll

Today, I had a conversation with my boss which started out with my stomach growling and me saying "I'm so hungry my stomach is gnawing on my backbone". Those of you who know me have heard me say this for many years. It's just a thing. So that led to the "I'm so full you couldn't lay me down on the floor, pry my mouth open, and shove another bite down my throat."  (Yes...that too is something I have said in the past and came from my days with a group of very colorful friends in Tennessee.)
At this point, I was asked if I was "southern" or "country".  So being from Virginia...technically growing up in West Virginia...and then being a Tennessee transplant by marriage, I claim to be more country than southern. Because if you think about technical geography, I'm sort of borderline on the whole Southern latitude/longitude bearings.  I do say I'm southern (pronounced suh - thuhn) because I do have problems with saying anything containing "ar" sounds. for example...my wonderful husband's name is Charles. Pronounced in my world...Chawles. And yes I have to make a conscious effort when I say his name to make sure I don't drag the southern drawl out too much.
I get alot of comments on my accent especially being here in Kansas. Home of the normal midwestern American language.  They sound like normal people on most tv shows do. Well...most of them. Except we are in a military town so there's a huge mix of accents. To quote the history teacher at the school I work at....this is a melting pot of cultures. And its so true. My crew of girls I hang out with here are from all over. From Minnesota (yah) to Kentucky to Texas. Put us all together and we're like the Spice Girls of Kansas.

Funny story.... as you know, I work at a school. Well, today one of the students had the hiccups after lunch really bad. They looked painful. Kids were giggling every time she hiccuped. So, during class I just quietly and casually walked by the front of her desk and slid a nickel to her and said "I'll buy them from you." 
She looks at me puzzled and says "what?"
I said, "I'll buy them from you. Your hiccups." and pushed the nickel closer to her. She just kept staring at me strangely and as I walked away I said "they're gone".
I stood on the side of the classroom, all the while, she kept looking at the nickel then back at me out of the corner of her eye. She finally said "How did you do that? You kinda scared me!"
I explained to her that the whole thing caught her off guard which made her re-adjust her breathing, etc, causing the hiccups to disappear.
So, now I guess I'm a witch too. HAHA I can only imagine what the kids will say! hehehe

So not only am I country...but a witch as well. haha Life is good!

later ya'll

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I am angry because...

There's alot of times in my life when I suppress emotions. Okay...so more than alot of times. Pretty much all the time I will suppress emotions. Especially if said emotion is anger, depression, worry, etc. With everything that's been going on in our lives lately, I've felt ALOT of anger the past week. And I can't say that I really know why I'm angry. I'm sure if I thought about it, I could pinpoint why...but as a general overall feeling, I'm just angry.So, tonight, I'm going to have a good old fashioned b*tch-fest.  I'll be doing this in random form. No particular order and I'm going to do my best to keep names out.  Soooooooo....I'm sure I'm going to offend someone....and I hope that if said anger is in someway directed towards you that you understand why and where I'm coming from. If not, please understand these are my thoughts, my emotions. These are things that I'm dealing with. I carry this with me alot and the fact that I am getting it out is a good thing. Let me process the best way I can.

- I'm angry because I feel pushed out and not included. That makes me feel insignificant and unimportant. I then feel as if I'm not really loved and all the worry and love I put forth is not reciprocated.
- I hate the way you talk to him! You do NOT have the right to do that anymore! so stop it!!! I know it's second nature for you to put him/people down. But you're being called out on it now! STOP already and get over yourself!!!
- I hate that I NEVER say what I want to say to you. Being such a nice person sucks sometimes! OOH the things I could say to you!!!
- I'm angry because you cast judgement before you know the story!
- I'm angry because things have gotten out of control and they're your fault!! Why did you do this???
- I wish I could have a day to myself to relax and do whatever I want. My body hurts. I'm tired. I want to sleep late. I want to eat whatever I want and not worry about gaining weight. I want to spoil myself and indulge in things that aren't good for my body once in a while just because I miss it.  I'm angry that I give things up because of someone else or because I think I have to.
- I don't want to do what I'm told or what I should.
- It annoys me that the dishes pile up in the sink and the dishwasher never gets emptied (or loaded) unless I do it or ask someone to do it. I shouldn't have to ask. It's obvious.
- Same goes for the trash being taken out. Laundry to be folded/put away. TOILET PAPER!! omg really?!?! put it on the roll. It takes 2 seconds.
- I'm really not angry at my family for said things above. they're just little annoyances. Everyday things that irk me. Just wanted to throw them out there. Somedays, however, it really does build up and bother me to the point of being angry. But today its just annoying.

Since I've done some of the things that make me angry/annoyed....I do have some things I am grateful for.

- I love my family
- I love that my dog gives me cuddles and is always there for me to pet on her just so I can feel better. lol
- I love that my cat will paw at my face when I'm in bed to get my attention.
- I love that my husband is supportive of my photography obsession. :) I think I can bring him to the dark side. ;)
- I love that my friends are all goofballs! i love them!
- I love that my daughter found a $5 bill on the ground and spent it on a bag of dark chocolate truffles for me. (technically she ate my last bag of truffles...but she still thought of me to buy me more)
- I love that my kids have morals and values...even if its questionable some days. Makes me feel validated as a good mother.
- I love that I sat down in the chair in my flower garden today in the sun and dozed off.

There's so many things I am thankful for. And it helps to put things in focus when the negative tends to consume your being if you let it.  It just looks better when you write it out and can see everything there in front of you.

Monday, September 19, 2011

What about the spouses?

Military spouses have to deal with alot of things. Alot of unknown situations they are put into just because thier loved one is a soldier.  Most of these things the military will try to prepare families for. When the soldier deploys, they prepare the families with a training of sorts to prepare for separation.  When the soldier returns, there's reintegration training.  Granted, no matter how much training you can imagine, it doesn't compare to experiencing the real thing. Sending the soldier out for days, weeks, or even months at a time is still preparation for them to deploy and for the families to become accustomed to being without their loved one for a certain amount of time. But it's not completely the same.

There are a few things in life that you're just not prepared for. There's no training that can even remotely make you feel ready to deal with these life situations that no one wants to think about...let alone figure out what to do if it should happen...before it happens.

It's a given that soldiers deploy with the knowledge that they may not return home or that they may return home injured. They prepare the best they can before deployment in case this should happen. Preparing wills, making sure life insurance is in order, etc.
Then there are those soldiers, who aren't technically "wounded" ...but are. They come home different. They're not the same as when they left. Due to one reason or another, they've experienced something traumatic in their day to day life living downrange and they return to the home life a completely different person.  Sometimes its noticed before they come home. Sometimes shortly after. Sometimes it takes a while. It could be a culmination of alot of different things that make it obvious.

That's what happened to my soldier.  He came home from his third deployment a little different. A little angrier. He had a little more trouble sleeping. Things seemed to slowly start falling apart.  Then after the fourth deployment, it was more than a subtle change. His life priorities had changed. All the while I'm at home with the same priorities and goals that we had before he left.  And even after battling this PTSD for a year now, it's still an on-going struggle. Not just for him, but for me.
This is one thing that I feel like the military just does not train spouses to deal with. And once it does happen, it's still not a top priority for the families to learn how to deal with the changes in their spouse. How to readjust your life to live with someone who is on edge 24/7...who's on constant alert and can't turn himself off to even rest. 
They make it well known that they want the awareness out that these soldiers aren't alone.  They provide classes and group therapies and social work and more for the soldiers so that they may treat their PTSD. Which is a wonderful thing that its becoming more of a known topic. I feel like there's a ton of loopholes in this program though.
But did you know there is such a thing as Secondary PTSD.  This happens when you start to suffer depression, caregiver stress, or other similar symptoms that mirror your soldier who is suffering from the ptsd that resulted from a traumatic event.  There are so many people out there who I'm sure don't even know it exists.
Why is the Army not making the families aware of this? Why are the families not made of aware of what to expect when their soldier is dealing with this?  Why, when they realize a soldier has PTSD, is the family not included in treatment? Why, if the soldier is placed in treatment, is the family left out of the loop and not given any information at all? WHY??? Can someone tell me WHY the military is dropping their families on this???

It makes me angry!! I have researched information on ptsd...on the treatment...the symptoms.  I've searched for PTSD support groups designed for family members. And in this area, they're few and far between.  The best source to get one on one help as a spouse is through Military OneSource.  There has to be more out there. 

Luckily, I have a great group of friends who've been there for me through anything.  I have wonderful friends in another group (Her War Her Voice) who've been amazing help as well.  And that's about all I can say as far as learning to live with someone with PTSD.  You need your own support system.  And its basically going to be up to you to find it. 

Please see a few resources below that I find helpful.....

http://www.familyofavet.com/secondary_ptsd.html  (Secondary PTSD information)
http://www.familyofavet.com/parent_teacher_packet.html   (parent/teacher packet for families with kids)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I should be sleeping in

It's 8 am on a Sunday and I'm awake. ARGH! I'm blaming the dog today. I actually blame the dog everyday for this. I really should go back to sleep though. It's Sunday for crying out loud. The day of lazy mornings, late wake ups, breakfast in bed. Well, I get none of that today. I do have the rain though. I'm laying in bed listening to the rain. Which, all in itself, is amazing!
I also have allergies going on. Possibly a cold. Possibly a sinus infection.  I'm too tired to self diagnose this morning. It's been going on for a few days. And just keeps getting worse. It's been so cold lately. And now it's supposed to be back up in the 80's. Thanks Mother Nature for the opportunity to hack and cough and breathe through my mouth because my nose is so congested not even something microscopic size is fitting through that airway. Maybe I'll give in this week and make a doc appt for some meds. Maybe.
Don't get me wrong...I love fall. It's my favorite season. But as far as the temps fluctuating from two extremes, my allergies don't feel quite the same as I do about the current temperatures. I love being able to wear my hoodies and jeans right now.  But the ability to breathe usually takes priority.
Speaking of fall, I'm excited to do some photo shoots soon since the leaves are starting to change. I've just got to get myself caught up on everything else to be able to do that.
It's taken me 45 minutes to get this far in this blog this morning. Talk about lazy and unable to pull my thoughts together. I do have caffeine now so maybe I can finish this thing.
So, an hour ago when I took the dog out, it was gray and rainy out. Now, there are blue skies and it's beautiful.  And it definitely feels like fall out there.

The other night, I went to dinner at a friends house. My shoulders and back were so tense she pulled out her chair massager. Which, if you know me, you know that I've been known to go with a previous battle buddy and my daughter to Bed Bath & Beyond specifically just to sit in the massage chairs they have on display.  Those things are amazing. But after using hers Friday night for a good hour or so, I have learned that leaning back into the chair while the shiatsu function is running that you will undoubtedly feel great at the moment, but will the very next day, have bruises and sore muscles. HAHA Right between my shoulder blades I feel like I've been beaten repeatedly. But I would totally do it all again. A little tough love is good sometimes. And yes its love! I even named her massage chair Carlos. So, the fact that me and the other girls took turns in the chair, the saying that we all took a ride on Carlos got a good laugh from all of us. Just sharing the love baby. just sharing the love.

I'm sitting here debating if I want to get dressed now and head to the commissary to get my bi-monthly shopping done. I've put it off for almost 5 days now. The commissary trip is always chaotic and takes pre-planning to achieve maximum results.  I am a couponer. And sadly, this payday, I have very few coupons that will be of use for me. Granted, I suck at couponing. But If I can save 4% on my overall bill (usually about $20 bucks).  I'm a happy girl. It feels like all the time and effort paid off just a little. This time will be nothing compared to that. But I still have to do the psych-out to convince myself to go. Either that or the hunger from actually being out of food. HAHA The case-lot sale is also going on this weekend. Which means its going to be crazy there and since I have put it off to the last minute, I'll be lucky to find the basic essentials that we need. We'll see.
Maybe I'll lay here and enjoy the quiet a little bit longer before I begin the adventure. yeah...that sounds pretty good.

Have a good Sunday
later ya'll

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Are we not all human here?

There are, more often than not, things that happen in life that you just don't understand.  Most of them are to teach you something, whether you know it or not.  Some of them are because you are either in direct relationship with whomever or whatever it is happening to.  Then there are those that you put yourself into for one reason or another, whether purposefully or not.
I don't necessarily see that the latest events in my life are happening "to me" but are happening because it's time to learn something and the fact that I am in direct relationship with the circumstances.  These events are things that I have not, nor will not, mention at the present time.
All I can say is that I pray that I can be supportive without being weak. 
My whole world has yet again been turned topsy-turvy. And the worst part again, has been the lack of control. Hell, I don't even have full knowledge of these circumstances...let alone control.
Not knowing what is going on makes it hard to know how to react. So out of desperation, you grasp at whatever you can and hope to make sense of it. Which usually ends up in a train wreck because you tend to over-analyze everything.
Just like this blog. Most people are probably racking their brains right now trying to figure out what the hell I'm talking about. Why I'm being so cryptic. This is a very personal matter right now but I need to vent. I need to let out frustrations. I don't have any other outlet right now and this has to be it.

I understand there are rules, laws, regulations.  And if anyone is going to be following them, it would be me. But lets think about what's right and wrong here. Let's think that suppose while you're following your rules and regulations that there is a ...gasp...dare I say??....a human being who is being affected by the outcome of your restrictions. I understand things are set in place for the protection of others.  But there are situations where all someone may need is a simple "I understand" ....a little compassion. It's not like I'm going to cause a riot or do anything rash. Granted they probably don't know that. But seriously. How can we make it through this world without being personable and being human? We're not all robots and/or politicians. Who we all know politicians bend the rules anyway they want to. Maybe that's what I need to do. Learn how to be a politician to get things taken care of. I mean they seem to know how to get what they want/need anyway.

Okay for now...this is all I can say. I could go on ranting but I'm just too emotionally drained to keep figuring out how to say what I want to say without saying more than I want to say. (that was alot right there)

Monday, September 12, 2011

We Got Orders

I'd like to apologize for the slack in my blogging lately. Things have been busy and a little bit stressful.

So, on to the big stuff. Life for us has been turned topsy-turvy.  We got orders.  For those who don't know what that means.....we're moving. And its not just a simple statewide move. We're moving to Korea.  I've known for a while. But we just got the orders in hand and I didn't want to announce it until I had talked with my family and employer.

When I first found out, I cried. And I mean...I really cried. Not at the thought of going somewhere new, but because it's in a different country. Somehow that just makes it seem more dramatic/drastic...I don't know.  I have great friends here. I have family in the states whom I barely see now as it is. And the thought of two years in a foreign country and not being able to see any of them had me pretty upset.  But the only thing I could do was to jump in and find out more about where we'll be living. So, we started researching and checking out all the info we could on the place and where we would possibly be living.  I have to say, information is very scarce unless you know how to look for it.  Once we started finding more information, I guess we became intrigued and curious. Granted, I'm still scared out of my mind. I'm more worried and stressed out over the process of moving to a foreign country.  I've heard about friends moving to Germany and it just didn't seem to be as complicated as this. Or maybe in my mind its not as complicated. Because I've let everything just explode into a huge mess in my head right now and I can't seem to make sense of it anymore. 

Now, I've done a PCS move before (for you civilians its a Permanent Change of duty Station). But it was state side. And it was a piece of cake.  We didn't have to worry about shipping our vehicle (or if we even could). We had a weight limit but nothing as small as what we're allowed to take to Korea. It's just a whole new set of restrictions that you don't normally think about.
We have a fairly large house here. But when we move there, we'll be at half the size (at least) as we have now. At least that's what we're assuming. And we have ALOT of furniture...alot of BIG furniture.
So, we're now beginning  to decide what goes with us and what we need to get rid of and what needs to go to storage.   My friends have all offered to come over and put their initials on all the furniture they want. I don't see this going well. LOL  They've already mentioned everything in the house would have their initials on it. At that rate, we'll have nothing left to ship.

If I stand back and think about the big picture, I know it's going to be alright. Everything always comes out in the wash... right? But right now, the whole not knowing process has been very frustrating and overwhelming. I've had nightmares about it the past few nights. Worrying in my sleep about getting to the airport late and having to fit 5 bags into 1 because we can't take that many carry-ons, among other things. I seriously have let my mind and worries run rampant.

My family, friends, and coworkers have all told me I can't go. But imagine the experience we're going to have. Would anyone deny that for us? (well besides Uncle Sam)  I'm sure I'll have a serious culture shock, but I am looking forward to it. It's definitely going to be an experience...and one that I'll be sharing with you all here...with my monkeys. :)

later ya'll

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Brain Dump

This week has been a little crazy. I've started to blog many times only to sit here staring at the screen. I have so many random thoughts running through my head and I just can't seem to gather them together to make anything the least big coherent. So, today's blog may just be a bit random...a brain dump if you will.

~ I think everyone at work/school is suffering from the same ailment. It's either a cold going around or everyone in Kansas has allergy problems right now. Including me. Mine didn't catch up to me until Friday evening. I got home from work and was asleep by 4:30. Sleeping all evening AND through the night until the next morning is something I highly recommend. Not all the time. Just occasionally.  Good stuff.

~ The weather today has been amazing.  It's been over 100 degrees for so long and then today having 79-80 degree temps has been such a drastic change.
  We'll all be sick again tomorrow. just saying

~ Sometimes I wonder if I really know what the heck is going on in my life. I mean being in the military there are alot of times where you're in limbo. Most of us have heard the phrase "hurry up and wait".  Which has been pinned to the army on pretty much everything from paperwork, to doctor's appointments, to waiting in line for something.
  Today I have that limbo feeling. It's a little unsettling sometimes if you allow the out of control thoughts get to you. Because technically, you have no control!  But isn't life pretty much like that anyway? 

~ I've been trying to walk and get a little bit of exercise in this past week.  I have lost a good 8 pounds since school/work has started. Which is an awesome thing. Because it's only been two weeks. :)  I'm hoping this is a good beginning that will lead to motivation for me to keep at it.

~ My oldest daughter is in a place in her life that I just feel downright happy for her. I feel deep down this could be a good thing. :)

~ Had a great day today with most of my girls (meaning my army wives).  We can sit and talk smack and laugh for hours.

~ I went walking again tonight with Whitney. We ended up getting caught out in the dark. lol guess we'll learn to put a reflective belt on the jogging stroller next time. oh well. good times!

~ For the record...it took me all day to do this blog. As insignificant as the brain dumping may seem.

~ Hopefully tomorrow I can pull together a cohesive thought.

~ I'm calling this brain dump done. My head hurts.

later ya'll