Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I'm Sorry. Or am I?

There comes a time in everyone's life when they feel a little low (for the lack of a better word).  When you have to sit back and think "what's wrong with me?" I'm having one of those times today. I sometimes wonder if I go through these times more often than the average human being.  I guess I've always considered myself "average". I mean I could be worse and I could be better. So, that's somewhere in between. Right?
Anyway, I don't know if at some point in my past relationship experience throughout the many years, if there was something or someone in particular that just really messed me up. Because I don't think I've always been like this. At least, I really don't remember if I was ever not like this but I am assuming I wasn't always this way.
Yes...you caught me, I am beating around the bush.  Let me get to the point....
Okay...I have this bad ...I don't know if I should call it a habit or what...anyway, re-direct... I usually hold emotions in. Well, bad emotions anyway. I try not to let people know if I'm upset or hurt or anything like that. (I honestly don't know why I do this) So, when I do express such emotions, it's because I've let it build up to an unhealthy level that it's going to come out one way or another. So, when I do let out these emotions...let's say anger....then I end up feeling guilty for allowing myself to express emotions. Especially when my anger triggers someone else's anger. Then ....get this...I end up apologizing for getting mad!!!
Or maybe I'm just apologizing for my reaction to being mad. I don't know. Whatever it is...I apologize for it.  Then I get angry at myself for suppressing a human emotion and apologizing for something that I have every right to show.
My husband and I have gone through alot of conversations about this. He's not an "emotional" person. (Thanks Army for de-sensitizing my husband so much.)  After our talks though, he says that I am "authorized these emotions".  (How military is that? lol) So, since I'm authorized these emotions, why do I feel like I have to keep the peace? Am I a doormat? Do I just let other people's feelings count more than my own? Why would I do that? I've gotta look out for number 1 first.  But, I'm not.
I have this quote that I keep on a sticky note on my desktop. It says...

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so you apologize for truth.

-Benjamin Disraeli
I find it upsetting that I have to remind myself of this. And that I can read it and I will still do the same thing everytime.  Am I just a creature of habit? Or am I a product of something?
I've felt for the past few days that I need a good cry. I've had a few teary-eyed moments for no reason and have fought it back. However, tonight, I feel like I just need to get it out and over with. I think I'm going to put in a chick-flick and just bawl my eyes out.
I kinda don't know what else to do at this point.

1 comment:

  1. you know I am a firm believer in the chick flick cry therapy. And you are entitled to have your feelings. You have bottled them up like that for.... hmmm... a long time. I kind of remember when it happened, but anyway, that's not the point. The point is get over it! EXPRESS it! I love you sister. I will cry with you.